I’m no bridezilla, but I’m so desperate to marry him
Dear Coleen
I started seeing an amazing man 18 months ago. We’re both divorced and in our early 40s and both have one child from our previous relationships.
I couldn’t believe my luck when I met him – we both had so much in common, understood each other’s needs and past history and fell madly in love.
My problem is, I really want us to get married, but he recoils every time I mention it and says his last experience put him off for life. I do understand it – his ex was a piece of work who cheated on him and then took him to the cleaners – but I know it’ll be different with us.
I don’t want a big white wedding – fat chance at the moment – but I want us to commit to each other properly and for us to feel like a proper family. Our children have met and get on well, so there are no problems there.
Am I expecting too much from him? My last marriage wasn’t a bowl of roses either, but I’m willing to accept that my ex and I weren’t a match made in heaven and that I could be happily married to someone I really love and respect.
I’d love your advice.
Coleen says
You’re obviously very much in love with him and I understand why you want this lovely romantic scenario to end happily in a good marriage.
However, a marriage certificate won’t guarantee anything – you know that from past experience. What’s important is your relationship and you might damage that by forcing the wedding card.
When it comes to marriage, I think it’s a big mistake to give ultimatums or nag someone into it. When you see your partner at the end of the aisle, you want him to be there because that’s what he wants – not because he feels he has no option.
You also have to ask yourself whether your desperation to get a ring on your finger has something to do with putting right whatever went wrong in your last marriage.
And if it has something to do with you feeling insecure, then that’s something to talk to your partner about, so he can reassure you.
Eighteen months is still a fairly new relationship, so perhaps you should focus on enjoying it and seeing where it leads, which may well be down the aisle at some point.