WHY HAS SHE BECOME A SEXUAL FANTASY?

Dear Coleen

I’m a guy in my early 30s and I’m struggling to find a long-term partner. I seem to go for looks over personality, but those relationships didn’t last. I’m drawn to the same type of woman, and it always ends badly.

Recently, an old female friend has been in touch and we’ve been flirting a lot over email, the phone and social media. We get on so well and like the same things, but physically she’s not the type of woman I go for. I’ve never thought about her sexually before, but I’m having little fantasies about what it would be like if we had sex.

Do I fancy her?

Coleen says

When we first see someone and there’s a physical attraction, it makes us want to speak to them and get to know them better.

Then, over time, if the relationship is right, lots of things turn you on – their personality, the fact they make you laugh, the way they treat other people and so on.

From your letter, I think you’ve got to a stage where you realise this. When you’re young, it is mostly about sex, but you’ve found yourself responding to this friend because you get on so well and have so much in common, and your body is reacting, too.

You can be the best looking person in the world, but if you have nothing to say for yourself, where’s the attraction?

When I was a lot younger there was a guy in my band and, on looks alone I didn’t fancy him at all. However, as I got to know him, he became so attractive to me because he made me laugh so much and I ended up spending two years with him.

But if I’d just seen him out in a club one night, I wouldn’t have found him attractive at all. Often it’s not love at first sight and you have to dig deeper.

What you’re doing isn’t wrong but, if you do sleep with her and realise it’s not going to work for you, then you have to be honest.

Don’t lead her on after that.