Squatter Trump now begs for my support P.S.
I WAS working away this week when, into my inbox, dropped an email from Donald Trump. “Christopher, where have you been?” he screamed. “My team and I have emailed you multiple times in an effort to get in contact with you, but so far, you STILL haven’t stepped up to become an Official Trump Text Member. Why is that, Christopher?”
He then requested that I fill in a survey asking whether I backed him or not, warning: “I’ll be reviewing ALL responses soon, and I’ll be looking for YOURS, Christopher.”
Good luck with that, Donnie. He’s just so angry.
Father Christmas has managed to ensure he’s on his own naughty list this year.
According to police, Prince Carter was on a break from his Santa duties at the Connecticut Post Mall when he grabbed and hugged a female victim in a room for employees.
The 45-year-old, left, went on to allegedly expose himself, which led to his arrest. That’s quite the steep trajectory from “Ho ho ho” to “No no no”.
As symbolic as the destruction of his presidency, bids are being accepted for the rights to blow up Donald Trump’s former Atlantic City casinos.
The highest bidder will press the button, which the mayor hopes will raise more than £750,000.
Florida wildlife officials have employed pooches Truman and Eleanor to sniff out pythons blighting Miami-Dade county – and there are up to 300,000.
As pythons are known to eat small deer, the dogs have been trained to stay 3ft away. Social distancing really is a matter of life or death.
Mural artist Joshua Hawkins always thought the request to paint an enormous Soviet-style image of Sesame Street’s Cookie Monster on the side of a house in Peoria, Illinois, was a little odd.
After meeting the homeowner, he finished the job and was paid the agreed amount.
Needless to say, it wasn’t the guy who owned the house he met but some joker.
Hawkins learned the P in Peoria can also be
P for Prank.
Armed police in Wisconsin’s Winnebago County swarmed a home after a woman texted her dad saying that she was being “stabbed”.
Eight officers raced to the woman’s apartment, where it became clear that no stabbing had taken place. The woman had actually been tested for Covid-19 and intended to let her dad know she was being “swabbed”. Predictive text can be a birch.
My barman Richard says he is considering getting his mother-in-law a cemetery plot for Christmas, only so he can tell her in years to come: “You still haven’t used the one I bought you last year.”