Disappointed with my best mate’s choice for a husband

Dear Coleen

A few days ago, my best friend called me to say her partner of five years had proposed and they were planning to get married next summer. To say my heart sank is an understatement.

I can’t stand her partner – he’s rude, selfish, obnoxious and lots of other things besides. None of her friends or family like him and none of us can see what she sees in him. She is smart, attractive and kind and he’s punching well above his weight.

I tried to sound pleased for her and, obviously, offered my congratulations, but it wasn’t heartfelt and I’m sure she registered the shock and disappointment in my voice. What I wanted to say was that she’s making a horrible mistake.

Apparently Covid and lockdowns have made them realise they want to “seal the deal” and plan for a future together and so on. I was actually hoping it might have had the opposite effect and being around him 24/7 would help her to see what a prat he really is!

She’s given up so much for him – a job, her social life (as so many of her friends don’t want to spend time with him), and she also sold her lovely flat to move into his place. What can I do?

Should I tell her my worries or just keep quiet and hope for the best?

Coleen says

You’re not going to like my answer I’m afraid, but it’s this: keep quiet and hope for the best.

He might not be your idea of a good partner, but she obviously sees something in him. Unless he is abusive or she is coming to you with worries or doubts, then I think you have to accept that it’s her life and her decision to make.

We can’t always get on with or even like our friends’ partners, but in reality we don’t have to spend that much time with them. And, as long as you stay close to her and remain supportive, then she’ll come to you if she does have doubts or concerns in the future.

And then maybe you can tell her what you really think!

You might not like her choice, but it should not affect your friendship. Just be there for her if things do go pear-shaped.

Also, in terms of socialising, when we’re all allowed to do it again, don’t make excuses not to go out if her partner is going to be there – be there for your friend.

Think what if would mean to her if her friends “accepted” her partner, even if you still head home afterwards and think: “What a prat!”

I thought she would realise what a prat he is in lockdown