Lockdown proves we need to split, but how do I tell her?
Dear Coleen
I’m a man in my 30s and I’m struggling with guilt at the moment because I want to leave my girlfriend and haven’t been able to tell her yet.
We live together and she’s younger than me, and relies on me for so much. She moved into my place when the first lockdown was announced, but it just hasn’t worked. It’s become apparent how little we actually have in common and how little ambition she has in life, which I just don’t understand in someone her age.
She spends all day on social media and the things she wants from life are so different to me.
I’ve realised I need someone who’s a similar age, who I can talk to about stuff other than Z-list celebrities and whose opinions I respect.
I don’t want this to come across as bitchy because I do care about her, but the longer this situation goes on, the more irritated I become with the relationship. It’s just harder at the moment to make decisions and I only wish I hadn’t suggested she moved in.
How can I explain to her that I don’t think we’re right as a couple without destroying her confidence?
Coleen says
Well, on the positive side of lockdown, you might not have realised you weren’t actually that compatible if the situation hadn’t forced you into a decision to live together.
When you do have the conversation, leave out the bit about not understanding why she’s not ambitious – I think that would hurt. But I think it’s OK to say the relationship isn’t working for you and you’ve realised you might have more in common with someone nearer your age.
Honesty can hurt and, unfortunately, there’s no easy way of telling someone you don’t feel the same about them any more.
I think you should emphasise that you care about her and want her to be happy, too, but don’t think that you’re the right person to make her happy – she should be with someone who wants the same things she does.
But, however nice, calm and reasonable you are about it, don’t expect her to just go, “OK”.
She will be upset and you’ll feel bad, and her form of defence might be attack, but try to stay calm and listen to what she has to say.
Good luck.
She spends all day just looking at social media
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