Top Ten Baffling Jokes

1 How do you drown a hipster? In the mainstream.

2 Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

3 A jar of omega 3 vitamins fell on my head when I opened the cupboard. I sustained super fish oil injuries.

4 How do you milk sheep? With iPhone accessories.

5 How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb? A fish.

6 What do accountants do when they’re constipated? Work it out with a pencil. 7 A cowboy asked me if I could help him round up 18 cows. I said: “Yes, of course. That’s 20 cows.” 8 A horse walks into a bar and the barman says: “Hey, why the long face?” 9 What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac do at night? He stays up wondering if there really is a dog.

10 I’m very pleased with my new fridge magnet. So far, I’ve got 12 fridges.

A Vicar of Dibley joke that baffled Alice

Two nuns are driving through Transylvania when a great big vampire jumps on the bonnet. One nun says to the other “show him your cross”. So, the nun opens the window and yells: “Get off my bonnet you toothy git!”.

I know we’re only two weeks into the new series of Saturday Night Takeaway, but one thing is already painfully clear: This show does not work without a studio audience. Probably best if we just enjoy the prerecorded bits and keep our fingers crossed for next year, eh?

TENS of thousands of women who have been underpaid the state pension by up to 60% because of an admin error will be repaid from a £3billion cash “top up” pot.

The Department for Work and Pensions revealed the extent to which the women, who were entitled to an “enhanced pension”, had been short-changed, many for more than a decade.

Former pensions minister Sir Steve

Webb, now of consultants LCP, said: “This figure is truly mind-numbing. When I first looked into this a year ago I had no idea it would explode into such a huge issue.”

He said he had heard of some refunds amounting to more than £30,000.

Repayments began in January after the DWP investigated its error, with women whose husbands hit pension age before 2008 potentially affected.