MY GRIEVING WIFE DOES NOT WANT SEX
Dear Coleen
My wife and I are in our early 30s and don’t have kids yet, although we hope to in the future. Sadly, before Christmas, my wife’s best friend died from cancer, which left my wife devastated.
She’s become quite distant and we haven’t been intimate since it all happened.
We used to have a healthy sex life, but now it’s nonexistent.
Somehow, it feels wrong and selfish to bring it up with her, given the circumstances, but I miss being close to my wife.
Do you have any advice on how I can talk to her about it?
Coleen says
I have said many times on this page that grief affects everyone differently and, when it comes to sex, some people need the closeness and life-affirming quality that it brings, while for other people, it slips off the agenda completely.
It hasn’t been long since your wife’s friend passed away, so I think you need to cut her some slack. She could benefit from bereavement counselling.
Visit cruse.org.uk, which has advice and information that both of you might find useful.
The best way to approach it with your wife is not to make the conversation all about sex, so she feels pressured. Ask her how she’s feeling and how she’s coping because you’ve noticed she’s become a bit detached and you’re not as close as you were.
Tell her you’ve wanted to make love to her, but don’t know if she’d welcome it. Open a conversation and reassure her you’re there for her if she needs support or wants to offload.
■ I find it hard to believe that you are 52 – you look so much younger in your photos. Please wish The Dark Lord a happy 12th birthday. She looks older than that too! Did you get her hair sorted? It made me laugh out loud that did. Colin Whitaker, Bradford, West Yorkshire Ed: Ahem, 51, Colin, let’s not jump the gun, but I owe it all to the magic of Photoshop. Speaking of the dark arts,
I’ve dyed Jesse’s hair black all over and she now looks like Severus Snape in the Harry Potter films.
■ In reply to your request for parenting advice, have you thought about putting The Dark Lord up for adoption?
Margaret Ossy by email
Ed: Constantly, Margaret, but I’ve left it too late – should have done it when she was young and cute.
■ The best thing to get hair dye stains out is Stardrops The Pink Stuff (£1, Sainsbury’s). I’m no Mrs Hinch, but I swear by this stuff. It’s cheap, non-toxic and I use it for so many things, I should be on commission!
Like The Dark Lord, I had a hair incident at 16 against my parents’ wishes. However because I wanted my thick, waist-length hair permed and not cut, I ended up looking like Crystal Tipps and had to have it all chopped off like an inmate of an old-fashioned girls’ correctional facility. My mum cried!
Denise Cunningham, retired nurse and Covid vaccinator warrior, Halifax, West Yorks
Ed: Ahhh yes, the 80s perm was a rite of passage for us all, Denise, followed swiftly by the crop! Thank you for the stain remover tip – I’ll get the elbow grease on it this weekend.