I was sick before and after my shift

Ben Hawkins, 23, is an emergency dispatcher with the East of England Ambulance Service:

A siren goes off in our control room when there’s a category 1 call. It means someone’s not breathing. And during the pandemic it felt like it was going off constantly.

Being an ambulance dispatcher is already a stressful job but during Covid, the calls went through the roof. Every one seemed to be either someone dying of Covid, or suffering with their mental health.

There were so many people who were dying, in their homes, at the supermarket. I’d sometimes spend two to four hours talking to a suicidal caller. A couple of people have taken their own life when on the phone. I was shocked at how many calls I was taking from elderly people who were struggling with mental health. Normally, they’re the strong ones.

In 2019, my best friend – also an emergency dispatcher – took his own life. I took it badly and my employers paid for therapy. But when those sessions ended and I was spending so much time dealing with suicides and deaths, you become low and unable to cope. I was in a bottomless pit I couldn’t get out of.

I started having anxiety attacks before going to work, and vomiting before and after every shift. I worried constantly if I would have enough

ambulances and crews, and about my staff too, who were terrified.

I felt like the worst person when I had to send them to a Covid patient, as we weren’t sure what we were sending them into. Every time the alarm went off I’d jump. I was even hearing it at home.

After every shift I would call my friend and just start crying.

I started taking antidepressants. I asked for more therapy but was declined because so many other staff were on the waiting list for mental health support.

At the moment, blue light staff generally receive six to 12 one-hour sessions of therapy but in some cases that isn’t enough. It’s scary how many colleagues are dealing with mental health issues – and they are some of the strongest people I’ve ever met.

I worried about my staff, who were terrified