My wife is refusing to have a baby and now avoids sex
I’m a man in my 30s and I’m married with one daughter. I really want to have another child, as I was an only one and hated it. However, my wife isn’t up for it.
This debate has been going on for some years – her excuse used to be that I was always out at work, so she would have to do most of the childcare and wanted to get her career back on track.
Now she hasn’t got that excuse, as I’ve been working from home for 18 months and do a lot of the childcare, as well as the domestic chores.
But now her excuse is we can’t really afford it and it’s not the right time to think about another child when everything seems so uncertain.
She has always been a cautious person, while I have a more “go with the flow” type of personality, but it really frustrates me that she doesn’t want to move forward.
I feel stuck at the moment and feel like she’s not listening to what I want and that I have to either put up or shut up. Naturally, this has affected our sex life – she avoids me at all costs – and our life together just feels miserable. Can you help?
Coleen says
This is a difficult one. I appreciate how much you want another child, but I really think you both have to want it or you’re setting yourselves up for a very challenging time. If she went along with it just to please you, as soon as things got tough she’d probably make it all your fault and resent you for it.
You’re already a father, so you know how hard parenting can be (along with all the good bits) and you know the impact it can have on your relationship.
Bringing another child into your marriage now would probably only drive you further apart.
I agree that she ought to listen to your side of things and not just dismiss your feelings and opinions. You need to listen to each other and try to come up with options and if you can’t do that together, then think about counselling.
Is there a compromise – for example, would she consider another child at some point? Or does she never want another baby and is just fobbing you off with excuses, hoping you’ll give up on the idea?
I think some honesty is needed so you can move on in whatever way feels right. Avoiding sex and avoiding the discussion will get you nowhere.
It’s been a mixed bag of holiday photos being posted on social media this half-term. Some friends have gone in search of sunshine and are showing off with snaps of daiquiris at the pool bar, with captions like, “It’s always 9am somewhere”.
But most, like me and The Dark Lord, have stayed local, and spent the week dodging showers, moaning about the price of popcorn at the cinema (more expensive than gold per ounce) and trying to do fun things on a budget – hard with a rapacious teenager.
At least with little ones you can spend the afternoon at the swings in the pouring rain and they are endlessly grateful. At most you splash out on a day out to a petting farm and a few ice creams.
Now it’s just demands for hard cash, mobile top-ups, hair dye and extreme sports.
Mobile phone data of the nation’s movements shows we’re not the only ones staying home or not travelling as much as we did in our pre-pandemic lives, but that hasn’t stopped The Dark Lord from her pilgrimages to theme parks to find the most death-defying rides.
This week she went with her cousins to Thorpe Park Resort in Surrey, which is ideal for thrill-seekers who get an adrenalin rush from a two-hour queue.
Her photos from the day trip looked like they were in a refugee camp not a theme park. But rather than be put off, she’s been force-feeding herself boxes of cereal to collect the 2-for-1 vouchers so I can take her to Alton Towers in Staffordshire. Although I’m not sure how much we’ll have saved by the time she’s turned into half child, half Coco Pop.
I showed her how far away it is on Google Maps on my phone.
“Look, it’s a six-hour round trip to Alton Towers from our house which, given the price of petrol and queues at pumps, it would have been quicker and cheaper in the 18th century.”
Then I had an idea.
“We can always go to Alton – that’s only 20 minutes away from us,” I said, only half joking.
She sneered at me: “And how will that be anything like Alton Towers?”
“Ooh I dunno, I can drive round the roundabouts really fast to give you the same experience?” I chuckled. “Maybe scream in your ear a few times?”
Email me at siobhan.mcnally@mirror.co.uk or write to Community Corner, PO Box 791, Winchester SO23 3RP.
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