Why won’t sister leave nasty bloke who hates our family?
My sister has been with her boyfriend for about six years, although they’ve had a couple of breaks in that time due to his unreasonable behaviour. She always goes back to him, though.
He’s not aggressive or violent, he’s just a huge prat who’s very full of himself.
He’s made it clear he’s not keen on our family – I’m not sure we’re posh enough for him and we’re a bit loud and chaotic, but we are very close and loving.
He’s not interested in seeing any of us, which would be OK except my sister doesn’t show up to family gatherings much any more and doesn’t really keep in touch. We always have to call or message her.
She says she’s fine and she’s happy, but how can she be when he objects so much to her family, to a point where she feels she can’t see us in case he kicks off about it?
She hasn’t said this in so many words, but that’s the impression I get.
I don’t know what she sees in him or why she keeps getting drawn back to him.
He’s good looking, but has a horrible personality. Can you help?
He sounds quite the charmer. Look, I understand how frustrating this is for all of you who love her, but you can’t force her to leave him unfortunately.
You can keep your door open, keep in touch, keep inviting her to things and hope that the next time they fall out, she’ll finally realise what he’s like and she won’t go back.
It is concerning if he’s preventing her or at least encouraging her not to see you – this is controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour.
He’s cutting her off from important relationships, so she feels isolated and dependent on him.
I wonder if he’s the same about her friends – it would be worth you trying to find out. It sounds as if you have a very tight-knit and loving family, so perhaps he’s jealous of this or feels threatened by it.
I also think it’s important to boost your sister’s confidence and remind her of what a great person she is whenever you get the chance. If she feels good about herself, she’s more likely to have the confidence to walk away from this guy.
“Penny for the guy?” me and my little brother James used to call out to shoppers and lunchtime drinkers, rattling our jar of change under their noses as they tried to give us a wide berth.
We were only kids, but we’d already worked out the best place for getting cash for our “guy” was if we stood between the pub and betting shop on the row of local shops where we lived in North London.
Back then, the begging season would start at Halloween when we went trick or treating around the posh houses. We’d often get a decent cash haul too as people weren’t used to having bowls of sweets ready for visiting ghouls and boys.
Then we’d start collecting for Bonfire Night and make a guy by stuffing some of dad’s old gardening clothes with newspaper and drawing him a scary mask.
We’d lie him down on the pavement, propped up against the wall, like one of the pub boozers whose horse had come in and he could finally drink in the manner to which he’d always aspired.
I remember one year making a particularly good job of our guy, and people actually stopped to congratulate us on his fine sense of fashion. Although this was the 1970s, so the bar was set quite low.
Some time after Bonfire Night, I remember dad asked at breakfast: “Anyone seen my good suit trousers?” and James and I gave each other a panicked look.
Years later, he used to wistfully reminisce about that “man about town” suit, but we never let on that the kipper tie and brown flares combo he used to wear to set the world on fire had, quite literally, gone up in flames.
Email me at siobhan.mcnally@mirror.co.uk or write to Community Corner, PO Box 791, Winchester SO23 3RP.