I am trapped living with my toxic, manipulative mother

I’m a 21-year-old student and I’m living with my parents. I didn’t want to stay at home while at university, but I felt obligated due to my close relationship with my younger siblings.

I have always had a difficult relationship with my mother but living with her is almost unbearable now. Our difficulties began when she deceived my father in various ways.

I can’t go into details here, but I saw another side to her and I haven’t been able to forget it. Her behaviour also made me realise how I’ve been manipulated by her.

Despite all this, she and my father have sorted their issues and he is oblivious to what she’s really like – toxic!

She purposely tries to irritate me until I snap and then my dad blames me. It’s often over little things, which I know I should ignore, but it’s so difficult when it happens daily.

For example, recently I was doing a presentation remotely from university and despite asking my mother not to come in the room for 15 minutes, she barged in with a vacuum cleaner.

She also regularly goes through my emails, wardrobe and bin. It might sound petty, but it’s stressful and I feel controlled and violated. I can’t leave my siblings in this mess and, the frustrating thing is, my mother isn’t explicitly doing anything wrong!

To everyone else I probably sound insane and childish.

Coleen says

OK, it sounds to me as if you need some space and I think it’s time to move out. Why do you feel obligated to stay for your siblings? Moving out doesn’t mean you can’t see them or check in with them, even on a daily basis if you want to.

Also, I get a sense the toxicity is between you and your mum.

I don’t know what she did – reading between the lines, it sounds as if she might have had an affair or deceived your dad in some other way. But he has clearly forgiven her and wants to make their marriage work.

The problem is, if you haven’t properly addressed what happened with your mum, then it’s going to eat away at you, making you feel more resentful and nothing will change. If you’re not going to move out, then you have to try to open up a calm and sensible line of communication about boundaries and how you’re going to live together under the same roof.

What can each of you do to compromise, respect each other more and make the atmosphere at home better for everyone? However, you may have to leave and have some time apart before you can find your way back to each other.

It might also help you to have some therapy to work through what happened in the past so you can move on positively.

“She goes through my wardrobe, bin and emails