HE WANTS TO SEE DAUGHTER HE DESERTED

Dear Coleen

I broke up with my daughter’s father six years ago and he moved abroad. She is now 12 and hasn’t seen her dad since he left.

My ex is very immature emotionally, although he’s a smart businessman and has done well for himself.

He’s single and still enjoys playing the field, even though he’s now 40. He’s living back here and has decided that he wants to see our daughter and have a relationship with her.

I don’t know what to do – he hasn’t as much as sent a birthday card over the past six years.

He claims he’s calmed down a lot and doesn’t party like he used to, however I don’t want my daughter getting hurt if he suddenly does a disappearing act.

Can you help?

Coleen says

I think it’s down to him to build that relationship with your daughter – to apologise, explain, try to make amends. You don’t have to make excuses for him.

I think it’s very important to have a long conversation with him before he speaks to or sees your daughter.

He needs to understand the importance of not letting her down a second time.

And if it turns out he’s not up to it, then he should be the one to explain it to her.

You should also be there for the first few meetings.

But I think to block any contact might come back to haunt you – your daughter might want to find him when she’s older and hear his side of things and he can say: “Well, I tried to get back in touch and have a relationship with you, but your mum stopped me.”

I completely understand your worries, but try to think long term about what your daughter wants and might need in the future. Good luck.