Wife says no more sex and she’s staying just for the kids
I’m a man in my fifties and I’m married to a younger woman, who’s 37, and we have two young children.
We haven’t been sexually intimate for 18 months now. After about six months of her not wanting to have sex, she told me outright that the sexual side of things was over for her – no going back. But she felt she had to stay in the marriage for the sake of our daughters.
Despite what she said, I’ve tried everything to relight that spark – being attentive, helping out with the kids and around the house, working hard, doing romantic things and buying her gifts. Nothing has worked.
The problem is, I love her and I love our family, and don’t want to let it all go, so I’ve put up with not having sex, although it’s really difficult.
Things were very different at the start of our relationship. We met at work and she was single and I was recently divorced. It was very passionate for the first few years together. What should I do? I feel miserable every day and keep hoping she’ll have a change of heart or something will happen to make her start seeing me the way she used to.
I could really do with some honest advice.
Coleen says
You’ve tried really hard to do all the right things to revive the romance but the problem is that it’s not going to work if you’re doing it alone. It needs both of you to commit. She has to want to work on the marriage and it doesn’t sound as if she’s willing to do that.
I know you love her and don’t want to split up the family, but you can’t stay with someone who’s told you she’s only there for the children. That’s not good for either of you.
I actually think it’s harder to stay in this situation than it would be to leave because you’re seeing her every day and you want more from her than she’s willing to give. It’s torturous.
If you end the marriage, you can both still be good parents if you’re willing to work together when it comes to the kids. Yes, it’s going to hurt, it’s going to be upsetting for all involved and divorce isn’t easy, even if both partners are reasonable. However, it offers the opportunity to be happy again in time.
She’s been honest, so it’s time for you to be honest with yourself. You can’t continue being in a relationship with someone who’s disengaged. If she’d agree to it, counselling would be a good idea to help you get to the next stage.
Good luck.
When I first got The Dark Lord a mobile phone two years ago, I thought, “Oh good, now I can stalk her when she’s out.”
Except my plan didn’t last very long because the Pentagon-hacker-in-the-making just removed herself from the network.
And when I demanded she stay on it for safety reasons, she would put herself back on the finder app, then the minute she got round the corner, she’d delete her profile again.
I gave up bothering to track her and just employed a bit of 1970s parenting, as in, “Don’t talk to strangers, look left and right when you cross the road, and be back in time for tea.”
And it has mainly worked – I can trust her to be where she says she’ll be, and to come home on time.
But now the poacher has turned gamekeeper. I was out last Saturday having a gossipy lunch with my friend Kath, and I got a call from a grumpy Dark Lord, “Where are you? When are you coming back home?”
She could hear us giggling, and she yelled, “And don’t put me on speaker phone!”
I picked my phone up and said, “Ah-ha! See how you like it! Anyway, stop nagging, I’ll be back later.”
When I finally got home, The Dark Lord slyly suggested I load an app called Life 360 on my phone, so in future we could always see where the other one was.
I forgot all about it until yesterday when
The Dark Lord tried to cadge a lift after school, but I fibbed and said I was working and couldn’t collect her.
She then replied, “Er, what are you doing in the High Street then?”
■ Email me at siobhan.mcnally@mirror.co.uk or write to Community Corner, PO Box 791, Winchester SO23 3RP.