Heard about Moss? Tuesday
Johnny Depp scored a 3-1 ‘victory’ against Amber Heard when the jury caught everyone off-guard with a shockingly quick decision in their defamation case this week.
Despite being one of the leads in the six-week TV phenomenon, Johnny was missing from its crucial final scenes, as he was still in Newcastle on Jeff Beck’s UK tour.
But you’ve got to hand it to the judge and jury because they really delivered on that all-important final twist.
Having summoned everyone to court, the judge – seemingly taking tips from the Britain’s Got Talent semis – dramatically announced the results were now in... but would be revealed after another short break.
Why? Because the jury had stuffed their one job by forgetting to allocate damages. You know, nothing important.
Johnny celebrated on the Toon with Jeff, but it was his glamorous groupie at Tuesday’s Royal Albert Hall show, the night before, who really got us talking this week – star witness and 90s girlfriend Kate Moss.
Lovers of 90s nostalgia flocked to social media, hoping it was the start of Johnny and Kate: The Reboot (despite her seven-year relationship with hunky Count Nikolai von Bismarck).
But I’ve consulted my dictionary of 90s slang, and to put in words they’ll understand:
As if ! Take a chill pill! Like, it was da bomb when they were OG getting jiggy wit’ it. But, whatever! Don’t go chasing waterfalls cos Kate’s current dude’s a total minger... NOT! Which basically means... Don’t hold your breath.
After all, going from de facto countess to pirate’s bride is no one’s idea of model behaviour.