The least our batsmen must do to justify those absurdly sky-high ticket prices is PUT UP A FIGHT
IT requires more brass neck than a fireside poker to charge £160 for premium seats at the Test match during a cost of living crisis.
And when the product falls woefully short of an even contest between bat and ball, don’t be surprised if the punters think twice about coming back.
Only an institution as entitled as MCC could ask fans to fork out up to £100 for a restricted view of England batting when you can hide behind the sofa for nothing and be spared any view of the ordeal.
It is the nature of sport that contests can ebb and flow, but somewhere in the contract there must be a baseline guarantee – such as holding the bat at the thin end.
Imagine going to the theatre and Simba fluffing his lines at
The Lion King. Imagine going to a London Symphony Orchestra concert and they made Beethoven sound like a clowder of scalded alley cats.
And then imagine it was £6.50 for a pint of Hobgoblin as you dissected your value for money on top of the loan-shark cost of petrol to get there.
At lunch, after 23 wickets had fallen in four sessions, it looked as if Lord’s might host its first two-day Test since 1888 until the Kiwis’ fifth-wicket pair Daryl Mitchell and Tom Blundell seized the initiative.
England’s tailspin from 75-1 to 141 all out may not have been the only collapse in the cookie jar, but it took the biscuit because the game was there to be won.
To beat the Test world champions from here, they will have to bat properly and live up to those absurd admission charges.
There has been much to admire about England’s approach under new management. They have held their catches and, in the outfield, they have taken more divots than municipal golf course hackers making diving stops to save boundaries.
Yet when nobody in New Zealand’s attack exercises the speed gun above 85mph, patrons are entitled to ask why so many England batsmen make the Duke ball look as if a pin has been removed.
Yes, we adore Jimmy Anderson – who will be 40 in July – closing in on 650 Test wickets, we admire Stuart Broad – 38 later this month – in his Rambo bandana.
And we applaud Matt Potts, the Mackem kid who has banked a fistful of wickets on his debut like a gatekeeper collecting toll charges.
But now it’s high time the batsmen delivered value for money. For £160 a pop, putting up a decent fight is the bare minimum requirement.