Let’s do this together

I can never understand why heavy British school uniforms are worn during our summer heatwaves. Just looking at the kids walking around in their black blazers, black wool tights and clumpy shoes makes me feel hot.

Ever since The Dark Lord rejected gendered clothing, we’ve had fewer uniform infringements – but now she’s learning just how uncomfortable the boys in secondary schools can be in summer compared to girls, who just hitch their A-line skirts up a bit higher.

She came home looking particularly hot and sweaty in her thick grey trouser uniform yesterday. “Apparently we can wear short-sleeved shirts for the rest of the summer,” she said, slipping out of her school jacket. “But we still have to wear a blazer.”

The reek of smelly teenager unleashed from polyester left me choking. Holding my nose, I said, “Oh my giddy aunt, go and shower immediately and I’ll wrestle the jacket into the washing machine.”

Before I could get the stinking thing in the machine, I had to empty the pockets.

Five minutes later, I was still there, trying to get pens out of the jacket lining.

It was like one of those comedy sketches – as I emptied, a small mountain of stationery and school equipment grew on the side in the utility room.

When she came down from her shower, I pointed at the pile and said, “Please tell me why you’re carrying around a blister pack of paracetamol, one writing pad, three Post-It note pads, one house key, a handful of pens and pencils, several phone cables, a protractor, half a ruler and a bloody huge pair of kitchen scissors in your pockets?”

It was like The Borrowers had taken up residence in her blazer.

I continued, “Why don’t you put all this stuff in your pencil cases in your school rucksack? The scissors have just made holes in all the pockets and now everything’s falling through.”

She shook her head, “No – I made the holes on purpose so I could use the lining as extra storage.”

I looked at her steadily and said, “I really wonder about you sometimes. So you customised your blazer by cutting holes in the pocket?

She nodded, “Yeah so I can carry more and always have my equipment to hand.”

I just shook my head and sighed, “This is like the time you dismantled a chest of drawers and laid them out all over the room. You’ve literally subverted the very point of pockets. It’s like you uninvent things.”

She picked up the huge orange-handled scissors and laughed, “Wondered where’d they got to!”

■ Email me at siobhan.mcnally@mirror.co.uk or write to Community Corner, PO Box 791, Winchester SO23 3RP.