Should I confess to being a lying, cheating scumbag?
Dear Coleen
I’ve been married for 33 years and I need your advice on how to tell my wife who I really am. The truth is, I am a lying, cheating scumbag and I’ve had multiple extra-marital affairs. I really cannot be trusted to keep my word on anything.
I think most of my friends, colleagues and acquaintances are well aware of all this, but my loyal wife appears not to have noticed.
I don’t want to lose her, but I’ve decided to come clean before someone else lets the cat out of the bag. My plan is to admit to everything and ask her to ignore these minor behavioural flaws.
In my defence, I’ve got the big calls right over the years – I was present at the birth of both my daughters, I bought a house for us in 1995 that is now worth a lot more than I paid for it, I always make sure there is petrol in the car and I never leave the toilet seat up.
I’m assuming that when I put my case to her she will agree that now is not the right time to kick me out and the best thing is for me to stay where I am.
Do you think I’m doing the right thing? Thanks for your help.
Coleen says
Honesty should be a cornerstone of any relationship and if all this is weighing you down, then I think you should tell her and try to explain why you haven’t told her until now. I imagine you thought she’d leave you.
However, I can’t predict how your wife will react – she might know more than you think she does, so it might not be a huge surprise to her. Or she might kick you out – that’s the risk you take.
I’m not sure you should be patting yourself on the back for never leaving the toilet seat up – I wouldn’t put that under “getting the big calls right”. It would have been better not to have had numerous affairs behind your wife’s back.
There’s always a chance she’ll welcome the fact that you’ve been honest with her now and will want to move forward with a clean slate, but I don’t think she’ll be OK with you carrying on behaving as you were. I think this would have to be a turning point in your attitude and in your relationship.
It might be worth having some counselling before you talk to your wife and, if she does stay with you, then relationship counselling would be a good idea to help you work through these revelations.
“My loyal wife hasn’t noticed just how awful I can be