It can leave you teetering on the veg of insanity...

WHEN he was nobbut a Prince in 1986, King Charles said: “To get the best results, you must talk to your vegetables.”

He never explained what we should say to them. Encouraging words, I suppose, like: “Come on, courgettes! Let’s see it, you Frenchy garlic!”

In the past, I have spoken to the veggies on my allotment, sometimes lovingly, but also in language that does not belong in a family newspaper. Not on this page, anyway. Perhaps the gardening section has more freedom, especially with Latin names that nobody understands.

But I digress. Let’s give HRH’s horticultural advice a go.

It’s just about the right time to give sprouting plants a bit of encouragement. I got down and dirty (just the soil, you understand) with the broad beans, they seem to like it. And I like them, unlike snooty Jacob Rees-Mogg, who loathes these big fat legumes.

The garlic and onions are doing fine without any songs of praise from me, but it might just be show.

Last year, they grew long green stalks, with little to show underground.

The potatoes are a bit slow, so I gave them a short pep talk, ditto the courgettes I’m trying to grow from seed. They haven’t shown yet. Nor have the beetroot seeds. I wonder if there’s dirty work afoot.

In the North East, where they compete in leek-growing festivals, it’s not unknown for sabotage to happen.

Perhaps someone is guilty of nocturnal veggie vandalism, giving the plants a hard time with insults and curses. I hear Liz Truss has been spotted on her broomstick.

You see how easy it is to get completely barmy about this subject. But I think that’s where we came in, with HRH.