Holiday from hell with my miserable and mean mum

Dear Coleen

I’m currently on holiday in Bournemouth with my mum, sister and husband. Last week another sister was here – she’s a huge control freak, so it’s a relief she’s gone.

However, my mum is giving me the silent treatment, texting or reading the paper to avoid communicating with me, which is an emotional abuse tactic she used a lot when I was younger, and I’ve been in tears.

She sneers at me for trying to eat healthily and undermines me constantly. I have more than a week left in this hell and don’t know what to do.

My family don’t want to take sides and my husband doesn’t want me to fall out with anyone, so tells me to try not to be too sensitive and to rise above it.

I feel like cancelling my mum after this holiday, as she makes my life such a misery. I even sought counselling to deal with her before the holiday.

All my life I’ve tried to please her and put her feelings first, but feel it’s my time to be happy. I think my mental health problems are because she made me an emotional mess as a child. I remember her being unloving, and blowing hot and cold, so I never knew where I was.

Unfortunately, I’m not very good at expressing myself or standing up for my rights, as I’m such an emotional wreck.

Please give me some advice how I can cope for the rest of the holiday.

Coleen says

It sounds like a lot of what’s going on is deep rooted in your childhood and your self-esteem has been badly damaged.

On a positive note, I think it’s great you’ve decided it’s time to look after your own happiness and it’s good you’re seeking counselling. I also think your husband is sensible in that you’ll probably never please your mum and maybe if you can accept that and refuse to take the bait, then it’ll help.

And acknowledge that while you might never be what she wants you to be, as long as you believe in yourself and believe you’re enough, that’s what matters. Just be you. You can’t be anyone else and if your mum doesn’t like it, it’s her issue. I remember one of my sisters clashed horribly with our mum and always felt she could never do anything right.

The important thing is, if you stop trying to get your mum’s approval, you won’t feel so let down when you don’t get it. Holidays are hell if there’s any animosity brewing between friends or family because you’re stuck together. But you’re there with your husband, so go off and spend time on your own – take a walk, do some sightseeing, have dinner.

Hopefully, it’ll help you feel calmer and stronger when you’re in your mum’s company.

And maybe a note for the future: don’t torture yourself with any more family holidays.

“All my life I’ve tried to please her and put her first