We need to banish Cabinet of Traitors
TODAY has taken over a hundred million years to come – or it feels like it, at least, while counting the seconds until the next episode of The Traitors, which airs at 9pm.
During that interminable wait, thinking of anything else was almost impossible. And so now it’s clear. The Government of this country would be much, much better – not hard, admittedly – if it were run like The Traitors.
The rules would have to be slightly tweaked – on the TV show there are only four Traitors, in the Downing Street version every member of the Cabinet would be one, obviously. We’d stick to regular Banishments to keep the cast fresh, and always on their toes.
If there were actual consequences, like being kicked out of the game, I doubt anyone would be making jokes about spiking drinks with a rape drug, as James Cleverly – the Home Secretary in charge of tackling incidents of spiking drinks with a rape drug – did recently. Without consequence.
The Government would have to vote one another off face to face at The Round Table rather than stabbing each other in the back like they do now, but pretty sure they’d get used to it in no time. It would mean a fast turnover, but we’re well accustomed to that after the likes of Grant Shapps (six days as
Home Secretary in
2022) and Kwasi Kwarteng (Chancellor for just 38 days)… oh and let’s not forget – although it’s tricky – Michelle Donelan, who resigned as Education Secretary after less than 36 hours, because: Boris Johnson.
The Round Table discussions, where players try to convince the others they should stay, always show people up for who they really are, too. Liz Truss would have lasted even less time than she did in real life, saving the UK economy in the process. Johnson’s waffle and bluster would have made him look guilty even if he wasn’t, although he definitely would have been… of something. Rishi would arouse suspicion by being too try-hard and weak.
And while that might not have been a problem for his colleagues – the opposite, in fact – if the Government was run like The Traitors, as well as The Round Table votes to Banish, someone would also fail to appear for breakfast the next morning, meaning they’d been axed too. And that would be decided by the Faithfuls aka The Opposition. This would bring about the biggest test of Claudia Winkleman’s career to date – trying not to laugh as comeuppances were delivered – but confident she’d manage it.
If all that wouldn’t keep the players trying their best – for the country, rather than themselves, for a change – let’s not forget the daily tasks. Just as in the TV show, these would be taxing challenges. Like living on income support and trying to make ends meet.
Using the criminally underfunded NHS. Feeding your family and paying your bills during the cost-of-living crisis.
Keeping up with your mortgage when your payments have suddenly doubled but your wages haven’t.
Never mind the game, it would definitely open their eyes and make them think for a second before they’re chauffeured back to their mansions.
The greatest thing about The Traitors last time though, and the reason the Government should be run like it, is that in the end – unlike in politics for the last 14 years – the right people won. Hopefully that would happen in this version too – although in this one, by the right, obviously I mean the Left.
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TV has four traitors but in the Cabinet version they’d all be one
EVERYWOMAN OF THE WEEK
“Yes, I do live in Devon in a huge ‘detached’ house. Most Jacobean mansions are detached, you morons.” Kirstie Allsopp