It was tough to split from my ex but at last I do not resent him
The clue that Paloma Faith has not been jumping for joy much in the past few years is in the title of her new album. In August, the singer announced her split from French artist Leyman Lahcine and all the raw emotions this caused have been poured into The Glorification of Sadness.
The album, which was released last week and includes tracks such as Bad Woman, How You Leave A Man and Divorce, offers an honest insight into the 42-year-old’s heartache.
Much of this, she reveals, came about because of the “stifling” level of resentment she felt during the relationship with Lahcine, centred on how their relationship changed after they had two daughters, aged seven and nearly three.
They now co-parent their girls and, after a tough time, are getting along together far better.
She says: “I just felt like I did not have the capacity to be a mother to anyone other than my children.
“You lose your entire identity, and not only have you got to adapt and get used to this new person
[the baby], you have to learn and get used to yourself again – because you’re irreversibly changed.
“Your entire existence is completely dismantled and then you’re told to put it back together, but there’s no manual and you don’t remember where the bits are.
“And you have two choices: you either try and cobble it together to look a bit like a version of what it was before, or you go, I reject that, I’m making a completely new thing out of it.
“And I think that’s what I did – and I think that’s what killed my relationship. I was like, that’s not me any more.”
Since becoming a single mum, Paloma says: “I feel like the lack of resentment is so tangible. I found it really stifling – and I don’t resent anything any more.”
As she says, she struggled post-children with having to act as a mother to other people as well. “Not just my boyfriend but lots of friends, my own mother, family members... I just can’t do those things any more.
“I think a lot of women who don’t say ‘I can’t’ are sort of pretending that they can, and then suffering from burnout.
“I’ve never really understood the word boundaries because I came from a crazy, traumatic childhood.
“But after having kids, I became very boundaried and I think people didn’t really recognise me. I didn’t even recognise me, because [it’s in] my nature to feel guilty.”
Born in Hackney, East London, in July 1981, Paloma has been a dancer, bartender, life model and magician’s assistant. She is also an actor, appearing in films and TV shows including 2007’s St Trinian’s, Holby Blue and Pennyworth.
In the past she has described herself as the product of a “broken home”.
She revealed she spent seven years in therapy to heal the wounds left by her Spanish father, who walked out on her when she was aged just two.
Ultimately, the decision to leave the marriage was hers but, she adds: “It takes two to end it, so whoever says it, it’s sort of irrelevant”.
She says there’s extra guilt attached to ending a relationship with someone you have children with.
“You feel like you’ve gone against your maternal duty or something.”
Making the decision was complex, she says. “I just think certainty is an unattainable idea... I don’t know if anyone ever really knows what they want. They might know for a split second, and go, I’m just gonna do it – and then you live with the consequences.
“It would have been just as difficult to stay as it was to leave.
“I would have written just as emotional an album if I had stayed with him, that was all about the suffering of being in a longrm terelationship.”
Her children now spend two nights a week at their dad’s house. “So I get two
You lose all of your identity, you are changed irreversibly
PALOMA FAITH ON BECOMING A MOTHER
very set days off and I get a break – quite a lot of married women don’t.
“If they want to go out, they have to say, ‘Is it OK if I do this?’ sheepishly. Which I know, because I’ve been in that situation as well… ‘Sorry, if you don’t mind, I’m going to have a night to myself ’ and usually it’s once in a blue moon.”
Their new co-parenting arrangement feels “very modern – Gwyneth Paltrow-y”, says the singer.
And with “no one to resent”, the pair are on good terms.
“I think with the distance, my kids’ dad really appreciates me in ways that maybe he didn’t say before.”
She says: “We take time out to say ‘you’re brilliant’ to each other, which we didn’t do before. I’ll say, ‘I’m so lucky that my kids are your kids’.”
Mentally, Paloma, whose UK tour starts in April, is in a better place now after “the most dramatic period” of her life. “When I first ended it, I felt I had to sort of keep up this idea that I could power through and continue to kind of do everything, and I think that I burned out, I do think that I had a kind of breakdown when I broke up with my kids’ dad.
“Now I feel better in the sense that [I’m] a bit more kind to myself in knowing what I have capacity for. My priorities are clearer and less blurry to me than they’ve been for several years.”
And although she’s “en route” to a period of happiness, she cannot quite yet see the decision to split as choosing a happier path for herself. “I think to feel that way, I’d need to have forgiven myself, and I’m not there yet.” Forgiven herself for what exactly? “For him not being enough for me.”
■ The Glorification Of Sadness is on sale now. Faith has teamed up with Amazon to release Enjoy Yourself (The Red Nose Day Edition) in support of Comic Relief for this year’s Red Nose Campaign. It is available to stream on Amazon Music, or pre-order as a CD for £5.99 and vinyl for £12.99 on Amazon.