Jess gets gong-ho

The Oscars bits so good, I’m giving them my own… Jessicademy Awards.

Most Adapted Screenplay:

Al Pacino’s “unique” and “interesting” take on the Oscars’ autocue script.

For three long hours, the excitement built to this one huge moment: Al Pacino. On stage at Dolby Theatre. Announcing the winner of the biggest award in showbiz...

So how did he decide to play it? As written on the autocue? With the gravitas of The Godfather? Or the shock factor of Scarface?

Nope. He opted for:

“Err, Um, My eyes are seeing Oppenheimer”. Delivered with the drama and suspense of someone reading the bus timetable.

Best in A Supporting Role (non-human):

The should have-been nominated pooch from Anatomy Of A Fall, Messi.

Border Collie Messi delivered a standout debut performance, but like all four-legged stars before him, he found himself SNUBBED when it came to the noms. (# OscarsSoHomosapien anyone?)

The French fluffster fortunately decided not to focus on his ruff treatment – and showed the good grace to actually CLAP – yes CLAP! – as Oppenheimer’s Robert Downey Jnr took the Best Supporting Actor gong.

Messi has since been accused of using Hollywood-style fakery to create that magic moment. Yet many on social media were convinced it was real.

On other news, reports he’s being headhunted by Kensington Palace are completely unsubstantiated.

Best in a Supporting Role:

John Cena’s modesty pouch

Cena confirmed there was a teeny, tiny bit of fabric was doing some serious heavy lifting (ahem) during his au naturel skit.

Meanwhile, I think we’ve also found The Peacemaker star’s perfect next role – an Action Man biopic, to ride Barbie’s coattails.

And when it comes to Cena, can you spot the difference?

Except in size of course. For, one probably measures somewhere around 10 inches.

And the other...

Is a doll.

■ Here’s a thought to blow your mind: If Trump wins in November, he still wouldn’t be deemed qualified to vote Oppenheimer for Best Picture... but he would be deemed qualified to drop Oppenheimer’s bomb. Not democracy’s best selling point, perhaps.