JESS SAYING
Jessica Boulton’s whimsical wander through the showbiz week
Moley Monday
It might have been April Fools’ Day but Simon Cowell’s latest drama is no joke. For the TV mogul is apparently being plagued by a pesky couple of critters – intent of causing havoc on his home turf.
It must be quite a letdown after quitting London for peace and quiet in the countryside.
But not only are these pests particularly tricky to get rid off, even if he does see them off, they’ll barely be gone for a month before they burrow their way back in and pop right back up again.
Yet as well as having sidekick Louis Walsh and nemesis Jedward causing him yet more grief, Simon’s also got another problem. He has a MOLE.
And, ironically, its not one of the human ones, who used to leak gossip from The X Factor.
It’s an actual real one, causing mayhem in his new countryside lawn. There is a plus though – with this kind of mole you only need a gardener, not a crisis PR, if they dig up any dirt.
No top of the bots? Tuesday
One wonders what these spring evenings are like at Royal Lodge.
Are Prince Andrew and his live-in ex Fergie like the rest of us – wrapped up on the sofa, arguing over the remote control?
And if so, what do they watch? True crime documentaries (always good to keep up with old acquaintances), the latest racy period drama (‘research’ for Fergs’ next Mills and Boon), or maybe some good old Emmerdale (a fave for black sheep Andrew)?
One imagines game shows are off the table. Only Connect will seem utterly pointless (who makes connections without hope of a payday?); another BBC fave must remind him of family get-togethers (“You are the Weakest Link, goodbye”); House of Games sounds like a nickname for old pal Epstein’s pad; and his love of The Chase is what got him into hot water in the first place.
Sadly, the only ones who get to watch A&F play Royal Gogglebox are the butlers and staff who tend to them. But one thing we can safely presume Fergs and Andy won’t be doing this week is... Netflix and Chilling.
For his nephew Harry’s employer has spared Andy no blushes in Scoop!, the new Netflix film about that disastrous Newsnight interview. In fact they’ve rear-ly stuck the knife in according to the man playing him, Rufus Sewell.
How? Because there’s a certain bathtub scene which shows his cheeky side.
Yet producers felt hottie Rufus’s rump wasn’t quite plump enough to be Andy’s, so had a prosthetic flabby one specially shipped in.
It’s no one’s fault, obviously. It’s just that Andrew is, sorry, has an even bigger arse than they realised.
Big news Wednesday
It’s nearly 15 years since
Katie Price and Peter Andre decided to try A Whole New World.
(No, not their cringey cover of the Aladdin duet. A world where neither had the other in it).
Yep, it was next month 2009 when the I’m A Celeb lovebirds called quits on their joint reality show and went their separate ways (with their own shows on different channels). But, crikes, haven’t their lives taken different paths since?
For this week, Pete shared exciting news – he had just welcomed his third child (a little girl) with his doctor wife Emily (at my former hometown hospital, no less).
Meanwhile, Katie also announced an exciting new addition of her own.
She also welcomed the arrival of her fourth... lip filler jab in just five weeks.
Yes, it’ll presumably help her to pay even better lip service to new man Alex, Leo, Kieran, Kris, Carl, Married At First Sight star JJ Slater – having already called him “a real gentleman” who “ticks all the boxes”.
It’s a step up from her recent words for her ex Pete. She declared last week that it was her that made Peter famous – not his huge chart hit Mysterious Girl.
For a second I thought she was suggesting she was the intriguing anonymous woman the song was based on. But that would be silly... Any mystery went out the window as soon as she started her OnlyFans page.
Royally-patient Thursday
It was a royally good day for fans of controversial kings this week.
First came the trailer for the longawaited UK release of Johnny Depp’s big comeback film Jeanne du Barry.
He’s chosen to play Louis XV for his first major return to the British big screen. The French king was not only mired in controversy but he was criticised for wasting money fighting bitter wars, some of which could have been avoided.
It’s a little close to home, given Johnny’s penchant for a super-pricey courtroom battle.
But in other kingly news, Wolf Hall – the critically acclaimed series about the life of Henry VIII – is FINALLY returning for series two .... a mere NINE YEARS after season one.
It might cause some challenges for the make-up department as the cast is the same and the story picks up where it left off – with Henry married to Jane Seymour.
But it’s not like it was a Dallas-style cliffhanger, I suppose.
After all, you only need read a history book for a spoiler on what happens next to Henry VIII.
Or even better: watch the very delectable Jonathan Rhys Meyers in The Tudors instead.
(Now, he’s a hot Henry we’d all lose our heads over).
It’s a bard life Friday
We’re all guilty of making our jobs sound a little well, more grandiose, sometimes. Why be a ‘shelf stacker’ when you can be ‘Head of Product Placement’? And it seems even actors sometimes can’t resist a little spin.
For here’s what actress Harriet Thorpe had to say about her current show: “If you look at Shakespeare it’s about everyone in society. It’s no different, it’s that really.”
What show was Harriet talking about? Some lofty drama on Channel 4? A hard-hitting BBC one-parter? No. EastEnders.
The sentiment has merit: human themes - like a star-crossed love, fatal revenge, and an all-consuming hunger for power - are as relevant in TV’s E20 as they were in London’s 1620.
But just picture the script if the screenwriters really did unleash their inner Bards...
Remember Phil flushing Ian’s head down the toilet? Let’s set the scene:
Two households, both with like indignity (In fair Albert Square, where we lay our scene), An ancient grudge brings Be-ale to a knee And Mitchell bruv makes Ian’s head unclean.
Or maybe Stacey Slater should have channelled Macbeth when she killed Archie Mitchell?
Is this a Queen Vic bust I see before me?
Its head so near my hand?
Come, let me snatch thee[ .... ]
I do, and it is done; the blow defies thee.
See it not, Archie; for now time will tell Will YOU a-wake, or head straight to HELL?
And, of course, who wouldn’t tune in to hear the old fave: “Get thee outta mae tavern!” ....