Backward Bojo bids to revive Brutish Empire
CARRY On up the Khyber was a silly spoof of the British Empire.
It seemed hopelessly dated – till this week when it emerged the deluded Tories want to revive the glory days when one in five of the world’s people bowed to Britannia.
In the 1969 film, Queen Victoria’s Indian governor Sir Sidney Ruff-Diamond (Sid James) and the 3rd Foot and Mouth Regiment (The Devils in Skirts) enter a farcical battle with the Khasi of Khalabar (Kenneth Williams).
What the Devils wore beneath their kilts is a key theme of the, ahem, “plot”.
But at least this nonsense parodied the Raj. The Tories Brexit process is turning into one long Carry On Film.
The UK have a cunning new plan called “Empire 2.0”. It comes on the back of the ludicrous idea of rebuilding the Royal Yacht Britannia to help negotiate trade deals – presumably so that Boris Johnson can abseil down the main brace.
It means turning our back on the largest and richest single market in the world – which happens to be on our doorstep – to trade instead with former colonies in Africa and Asia, where we do a lot less business.
Actually, we already do trade with these countries. As a member of the EU we have preferential trade deals with 55 countries, including those of the Commonwealth.
And of course we can maintain bonds of friendship with the Commonwealth, as was seen in the Commonwealth Games.
But the Empire itself should be buried. Conquering and killing other peoples is nothing to be proud of. Unless you think you are a superior “race” – which some Tory neanderthals clearly believe.
This week, Liam Fox, the Brexiteer minister of trade tweeted that “the United Kingdom is one of the few countries in the European Union that does not need to bury its 20th century history”. Those with a sounder knowledge of 20th century history than Fox were quick to point out quite a few shameful highlights – or rather low points.
There was the Amritsar Rising in India in 1919 when those peacefully protesting against colonial rule were gunned down by troops inside a walled garden.
Within 10 minutes, it’s estimated 1000 were killed with another 1100 injured.
In Kenya in the 50s, the British created their very own “Gulag” to deal with the anti-colonial Mau Mau rebellion.
A total of 1.5million Africans were placed in detention camps and controlled villages as the Empire tried to contain the rebellion.
Winston Churchill, supposedly the greatest UK prime minister, was responsible for mismanagement of a famine in British Bengal in the 1940s when between one million and three million people died.
In the book Churchill’s War, by Madhusree Mukerjee, the author said the war leader refused to send cereal ships to relieve the famine.
She wrote: “It wasn’t a question of Churchill being inept: sending relief to Bengal was raised repeatedly and he and his close associates thwarted every effort.”
In truth, Churchill thought colonials were inferior.
He called Mahatma Gandhi a “half-naked holy man” and once said: “I hate Indians. They are a beastly people with a beastly religion.”
Latter-day imperialists in today’s UK Government don’t seem much more enlightened in their attitudes.
Not that long ago Boris Johnson, now the UK Foreign Secretary, wrote: “The (African) continent may be a blot, but it is not a blot upon our conscience.”
In the same article, he said: “The problem is not that we were once in charge, but that we are not in charge any more.”
Boris and his reactionary Brexit band think they are going to rule the waves again.
But the sun set on the Empire long ago. ● SCOTTISH Tory leader Ruth Davidson said at the weekend: “I want to be Scotland’s First Minister.”
In dreamier moments I want to be Daenerys Targaryen, the beautiful mother of dragons in Game of Thrones. But I don’t look like Daenerys. And Ruth Davidson doesn’t look like a First Minister.
More importantly, the Tory vote share in Scotland is lower now than it was under Margaret Thatcher.
Sorry Ruth, it ain’t going to happen.
We all have our wee fantasies.