In loving space, no one can hear you scream
VIOLINS and fake expressions of heartfelt sympathy at the ready, chums.
Sad news reaches us from Tinsel Town. No, it’s not the rumour that the only envelope now being handled by that bloke who caused the Oscars chaos is a letter to Santa asking for a balaclava and an isolation tent. It’s much worse than that. You see… sob… Orlando Bloom and Katy Perry are taking “respectful, loving space”. Which, in language more colloquial to our shores, means that one of them is chucked. I suspect it’s got something to do with a disappointing lesson Katy learned during that naked paddleboarding incident. If a man can’t remember to pull on his Speedos, there’s no way he’s going to retain the schedule for putting out the wheelie bin. But back to the poetic point. Why not just say they’ve split instead of dressing it up in flowery language? It makes you long for those old cliches such as “mutually agreed separation” (one got caught cheating and the other is keeping it superficially amicable so they don’t have an obvious motive if they get caught slashing tyres) and “will remain friends” (deleted phone number and took out restraining order). I blame St Gwynnie of the Holy Goop for all this purple prose, as it started with the “conscious uncoupling” of her marriage to Chris Martin. However, never one to let a celebrity bandwagon go by without hauling my size 18 buttocks on board, I’ve decided to introduce many similar phrases into the Low’s Manual For Wifely, Maternal and Modern-Day Challenges.
Gently Reaffirming A Request: Nagging the husband. And, my love, I will continue with the “gentle reaffirming” until you tune in the bedroom TV, fix the loft hatch and remember things that matter to me – like today being the 24th anniversary of the day we met.
Reflecting Lovingly On The Beauty Of Giving: What husband is now doing as he races to the nearest petrol station for a bunch of carnations because he’s just read the last bit about today being the 24th anniversary of the day we met.
A Solemn Sabbatical of Peace and Contemplation: Someone is grounded. And, Low Teenager, by “contemplation”, I mean “get the homework done, eradicate your bedroom dishes depository and come up with an action plan for getting back into my good books before you experience a… Conscious Reduction of Materialism and Consumerism”. Yup, pocket money stopped.
Cleansing Vocalisation of Innermost Emotions: An outburst of harrumphing scorn, most commonly undertaken when reading, watching or talking about celebrities spouting utter twaddle.
See also – anything relating to St Gwynnie of the Holy Goop. And finally… Spiritual Realignment of Perspective and Tender Extraction From One’s Own Posterior: What the inhabitants of Tinsel Town need to do pronto, if they think that the Oscars debacle actually matters. And when that’s done? Someone might want to tell the guy in the balaclava taking a solemn sabbatical of peace and contemplation that it’s safe to come out.