Daily Record

Red box of tricks makes me want to disappear

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SO Philip Hammond unveiled his big hairy budget. The most depressing thing in a box this week, apart from the PSG defence.

The Chancellor had touted this as an “upbeat budget”. A phrase that makes as much sense as “diet fish supper” or “talented Honey G”.

The snoozefest included £500million to be spent on robots and artificial intelligen­ce.

At which point Hammond’s eyes flashed red and he started shouting “malfunctio­n, malfunctio­n” until somebody turned him off at the back.

He said there was no room for complacenc­y. Before adding that if they found that room, they’d charge you bedroom tax for it.

There are cuts everywhere. Council budgets have been slashed so much that Scotland’s streets are dirtier and more full of litter than ever.

Aberdeen is particular­ly affected, with seagulls finding there’s hardly any pavement left to take a dump on.

Graffiti removal is also a massive cost now, much of it blamed on Scotland’s most famous street artist. Clyde-Banksy.

Jeremy Corbyn slated the Budget for not doing enough to help those who need care and assistance.

He wants unconditio­nal support for weak and confused pensioners who don’t know what they’re doing. Otherwise he’ll have to quit as Labour leader.

There are more rumours of a snap election this week and Corbyn says he’s ready to take his case to the country.

And many Labour members have promised to personally pack that case for him – as long as they can pick the country.

Corbyn claims he’d be happy to go to the polls today but did have one condition. That the election results are announced by Warren Beatty and Faye Dunaway. Being skint means more of us are borrowing cash from our mum and dad.

Getting money from your folks is different from getting it off the bank MARY Berry got pelters for adding white wine and cream to spaghetti bolognese. I honestly had no idea they were ingredient­s. I heard she was cooking with Chardonnay and Chantilly and just assumed auld Mary had teamed up with two roasters from TOWIE. though. Financial reviews in banks take place in an office with a profession­al. Financial reviews with your parents are usually shouted at you as you’re getting into a car with your pals.

They’re now saying parents are trying too hard to act like a bank.

It’s when they ask for two forms of ID and a utility bill I think it’s gone too far. Even worse when you sit down for your dinner. And discover your cutlery has been attached to the table by a length of chain.

So that’s yer budget then Hammond. Had enough yet? Personally, I’ve had my Phil. ● ITV’s Nightly Show is still being panned by the critics despite a rise in ratings. In fairness, it has at least got one more viewer. I understand the Grim Reaper never misses it.

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