Six Jobs thinks we were all Osborne yesterday
DOESN’T Two Jags Prescott seem positively humble now that we have Six Jobs Osborne? Actually, it’s seven, if you also add the act of pulling his Y-fronts on over his trousers so that he can display the superpowers required to handle his new schedule. If only there was a way to monetise the wealth of arrogance that has convinced SJO he can take on that many roles without neglecting his constituents, we could sell it and reverse every immoral austerity cut implemented during his time as chancellor. In case you missed the update from the Westminster Careers Guidance Office, Davie Cammo’s former sidekick has, inexplicably, been appointed editor of the London Evening Standard. It tops up a dance card that already has him sloshing between duties as a public speaker, chairman of Northern Powerhouse Partnership, Kissinger Fellow at the McCain Institute, consultant for BlackRock and Member of Part-time Parliament. Incidentally, can I just point out that if this were a mother, they would be lining up in the aisles to shame her for neglecting her family. But the fact that he’s a dad? Tumbleweed. However, the most surprising thing about his new appointment is that he has next to no newspaper experience. It seems to be a trend that started when a bloke with a history of lies, broken promises, dodgy deals, sexist behaviour, secret tax accounts, bankruptcy, non-payment of debt, sporting a Hovis loaf comb-over and the complexion of a cheesy Wotsit woke up and decided he wanted to be president. So, chums, if this is what the big guns are up to, I want a slice of the big, fat, entitlement pie. I already have two jobs, both of which I’d like to keep. I love writing these columns and my 18th novel, A Life Without You, is released next week. Yes, that was a shameless plug. Look, I’m hanging out in the ball-pen with Trump and SJO and they didn’t get there by keeping their lights under a bushel of modesty.
But back to the job search. If I understand this correctly, I don’t need experience or suitability to the role? Great. In that case, I’d like to be a supermodel.
Yes, I know that there are bigger problems in the world but just think how much happier a large portion of society would be if there was a shift in the collective consciousness and chunky middle-aged burds were considered the next Kate Moss.
Oh, and those designer freebies? Black, elasticated waists, and my preferred labels are Cagoule and House de Fleece.
Of course, I’ll only be available when I’m not carrying out my duties as ambassador to Greggs. Or enduring undercover hell as a five-star hotel secret shopper.
However, I think my final career addition is the one I’ll enjoy most. Shari Low, Westminster Employment, Integrity, and Performance Evaluation Chief. Gone would be half of the Lords. Gone would be every elected official who fiddled expenses or claimed 75p for a bottle of Toilet Duck.
And gone would be that long forgotten paragon of smugdom that they used to call Six Jobs Osborne.