Do that again and I’m colon the cops

DIY is the theme of the week. There’s a guy going around Bristol called the Grammar Vigilante.

He creeps about at night in fancy dress correcting badly written shop signs – or at least that’s what he tells the polis.

If he is caught, the Grammar Vigilante is expected to get a long sentence. And once he’s corrected that, maybe a full paragraph.

Fair play though. It’s not easy being a Grammar Vigilante. Once a punctuation mark landed on his head. He was in a comma for weeks.

At least he’s more effective than the poshest vandal ever, who has struck in Cambridge. Covering luxury homes in graffiti, all in Latin.

He’s that upper class he’s already been nicknamed Merchant Banksy. Police are looking for someone wealthy, witty and fluent in ancient languages. A Mr S Fry has been taken in for questioning.

Talking of doing it yourself, a Chinese engineer has given up on the search for love. And married a robot.

He said there was a real spark between them when they first kissed. He really should have wiped his mouth first.

It wasn’t all good news for the groom as the bride’s mother really looks down on him. Although in fairness she is a CCTV camera.

The marriage ended abruptly however when the scientist walked in on his new bride in bed – with Henry the Hoover.