How’s it feel to be royally screwed, Fred?

FORMER RBS boss Fred Goodwin looks set to face investors in court for the first time since the bank’s collapse in 2008.

His lawyers say Fred the Shred is being hit with ridiculous and unnecessary charges. Good. At least now he’s got something in common with a lot of bank customers. ●Eammon Holmes has revealed that he turned down the chance to go on Strictly Come Dancing. Eamonn says he’s not comfortable about his hips. Much like his belt. ●New figures suggest one in five of us has been charged by an airline for exceeding baggage allowance.

Och, for most folk that’s a charge worth paying. Provided you can squeeze the weans into your suitcase. ●We’re all having ugly apples for the next year as UK fruit has been damaged by frost. Don’t worry though, it’s an apple. They’ll just bring out a dearer, better looking one in a few months. ●Social Network star Jesse Eisenberg is to play Marcel Marceau in a new film about World War II. Apparently he’s sent to a really harsh POW camp for mime artists.

Nae danger though. Turns out it’s just a big invisible cardboard box. ●Pope Francis will become the first ever Pope to star in a film, as he appears in an upcoming documentary about his life.

That said, it’s not technically the first Papal film. Of course big releases like Godfellas, The Life of Pious and my personal favourite, There’s Something About Virgin Mary.