Jeans prove the world of fashion is clearly insane
I KNOW my limitations. I long ago accepted that I am to cutting-edge fashion what Kate Moss is to second helpings of banoffee pie. But ladies, surely I’m not the only one who has her comfy big pants in a twist over this summer’s style statements? First up, long, floaty sleeves. Clearly, the genius who came up with the concept of trailing the approximate fabric content of two jumbo bathsheets from your elbows has never tried to rustle up jam pieces, administer Toilet Duck to its area of speciality, or conceal a hanky on one’s person in the manner of all grannies of 60s, 70s and 80s teenagers. Next on the catwalk of crime? Ankle socks with sandals. No. Just no. I could list many reasons but I’ll stick with the fact that I’m not six. Thankfully, they’ve yet to be paired with the other model monstrosity – clear plastic jeans. Fashionistas, turn your indoor shades in my direction and pay attention to this message – the only transparent plastic that should be seen within a 10-yard radius of my thighs is a lilo, and I’d better be lying on it, holding a pina colada. On the same theme, those thigh-high, lace-up boots are clearly biased against us MACs. That’s Middle Aged Chunksters. For a start, who has 20 minutes to do them up every morning? As for the optics, on a lithe, young model who is firm of muscle and free of cellulite, they say sexy and chic. On me? Two aforementioned lilos trapped in a fishing net. But perhaps the most eye-wateringly offensive travesty is the outfit that’s nothing more than gaffer tape on the nuddy bits. Yep, you read that right. No clothes, just the application of duct tape on the intimate areas.
I’ll give you a moment to ponder that while you cast your mind back to the last time you ripped a plaster off your finger.
Even the ladies sporting the new superhero look – skintight trousers and tops, with a massive big belt in the middle, couldn’t pull that off (literally) without a wince and large pot of germoline.
Thankfully, there’s one saving grace and – drum rolls – I’m ahead of the trend on this one.
According to profound philosophers (HEAT magazine, style bloggers and Elle Macpherson), the pool slider is the must-have shoe a la mode.
Well, pass my rubber flip flops because I’ve been wearing them for years, after commandeering a pair that were too small for my basketball-playing sons, who swap their on-court boots for sliders as soon as the final whistle blows.
So chums, forget all the other summer shockers, because I believe the footwear triumph makes me a hip paragon of fashion.
Clearly I’m ahead of my time and my other sartorial choices are destined to be next season’s hits. If so, I can predict elasticated waists, Guns N Roses T-shirts and the just-left-mymattress look will be all over the catwalks this autumn. Oh, and comfy big pants. Twisted. IT’S entirely understandable that George Clooney didn’t show up in person at his humanitarian awards, because his wife Amal is due to give birth soon.
And I’m sure this year’s winner Dr Tom Catena – honoured for caring for more than 750,000 patients in a warzone in Sudan – didn’t pause to wonder why he’s risking life and limb, while Mr Clooney refuses to risk the wrath of the missus.
Thigh-high lace-up boots are biased against us middle aged chunksters