Queen’s message was strong & horse’s stable
ZAYN Malik claims he’s been subjected to a series of humiliating airport checks due to his background. That’s shocking. Apparently, staff keep asking him really embarrassing stuff like” “Are you that guy aff One Direction?”
TWO weeks after the election, Theresa May is widely regarded as the most unpopular politician in the Cabinet. A situation she quickly remedied by bringing back Michael Gove.
May is still trying to negotiate a deal with the DUP, although the first thing they want to do is change the voting system – to First Past The Pope.
The Queen’s Speech was less formal than usual. Liz ditched the robes in favour of a wee blue suit, which is the posh equivalent of going to the big Asda in your dressing gown.
A lot of folk thought Her Maj rushed through the speech so she could dash off to Royal Ascot. So in many ways she spent the whole day flogging a dead horse.
The low-key approach did cause a few awkward moments. The Queen arrived by car rather than horse drawn carriage. Out of habit, she popped a sugar lump in the driver’s mouth.
The smartest guy in all of this was Prince Philip, who dodged the event for a wee trip to the hospital.
Thankfully, Philip was all right and left hospital pretty quickly. Brexit and NHS cuts mean there’s hardly any foreign staff there to insult now.
Auld Liz actually missed loads of things out from the speech, including a Bill called The Right to be Forgotten. Turns out that was a tribute to Tim Farron.
There was no mention of Donald Trump’s state visit, either. The official line is that the two governments are discussing dates. May wants October and Trump wants the wee intern who works in the Oval Office.
President Trump also now says he wants solar panels on his border wall. Don’t worry, he says the sun’s gonnae pay for it. There’s a dispute over where they should go, of course. Trump wants them on the side facing America, whereas the Mexicans want to stick them where the sun don’t shine.
Meanwhile, Trump still claims there’s no way he will be impeached, although he does admit impeached sounds like a great colour for his next fake tanning session. The big man’s now got a skin tone even Dale Winton laughs at. But say what you like about Trump – he is currently the only orange man willing to do a deal with May. ●ACCORDING to a report, there is too much focus on potential side-effects of medicines on information leaflets inside packs and not enough on their benefits.
That’s true. My pal David bought incontinence pills the other day and the side effects on the wee leaflet were so scary that he peed himself. ●IN AMERICA, dozens of flights have been cancelled because temperatures reached 50C, which is too hot to fly.
The plane physically can’t function as that heat may melt the 14 layers of foundation the stewardesses put on.