Sexual healing
WEDNESDAY Problems in the bedroom can kill relationships, and sex counsellors say couples must find time for each other and to address issues
Black peep toe boots, www.primark.co.uk IF YOU’RE having problems between the sheets, it’s time to look at your relationship.
As sex therapist Anne Chilton points out, couples who aren’t getting on won’t want to sleep together.
Anne is head of counselling at Relationships Scotland and is also a sexual and relationship specialist.
According to a report by the group and another charity, Relate, only a third of Scots adults are satisfied with their sex life.
The study also found a third have experienced a sexual problem and many counsellors have seen a rise in relationship issues linked to porn use.
Anne feels it’s important to spend time as a couple to get intimacy back on track.
She said: “Stop, look and listen. Stop to make some time for each other. Look at your partner. How do they look? Do they look tired, stressed or worried? How often do you look at your partner and notice them?
“How often do you comment on that, such as, ‘You look good today, or how are you feeling?’ Then listen to how they’re feeling.
“Some people don’t think about what leads up to good sex. It’s about spending time with each other and giving space and attention to how each other is feeling.
“One of the big problems we have now is that people lead such busy lives. Often what is left over for the relationship to develop intimacy is a very small period the time.”
She warned that if you don’t devote time to your relationship it can become frayed around the edges.
Anne added: “You’ll start to feel distant and wonder if your partner really cares about you and if they’re interested in you. That will impact on your sexual relationship.
“If you don’t feel close and connected with someone, you’re not going to really want to have sex with them. It’s not just about sex, it’s about our level of connectedness with each other.”
There is also a rise in problems surrounding the use of porn.
Anne said: “Having sex with a partner requires effort but sexual relief through watching porn doesn’t require as much effort. Also because there’s such a ready supply of porn, anyone who’s got a laptop or a phone carries a sex shop with them. “Relationships take time and effort and you have to put time aside. Porn gives a short-term gain. “We have to get people to start thinking, ‘Do I want to have a sexual relationship just based on satisfaction of sexual need or do I want something more sustaining?’” Dissatisfaction can also come from people’s expectations being higher. That can come from watching porn with its unrealistic images of perfect bodies and techniques. Sometimes people aren’t happy with their sex lives because it becomes routine and Anne advises talking to your partner about wants and desires. It’s important to seek help if you’re having problems. Relate counsellor and sex therapist Denise Knowles said: “It’s really quite important we make time for being sexual or sensual with one another. Touch enhances our sense of closeness and wellbeing. It has a biological effect. You need to make time to do that.
“It might be to enhance your sexual relationship you have to ban sex and have a night stroking and caressing one another.”
Denise said this can help couples get used to the idea of there being more to their relationship.
She says it’s also important to connect with your partner, adding: “Send a text saying you’re thinking of your partner and you can’t wait to get home and spend some time together. Talk about being together rather than what’s for tea.
“If there’s a problem and it has been ongoing for any length of time, it’s important to get help as soon as you can, by going through Relate or Relationships Scotland.
“We’d all benefit from talking more openly about sex and shouldn’t be afraid to seek professional help if we aren’t feeling satisfied or are experiencing a sexual problem.
“Sex therapy helps to unpick what isn’t working so you can enjoy a healthy sex life again. The result is often a happier relationship and improved wellbeing.” ● Go to www.relationships-scotland. org.uk