A right Kerry-on in court

THERE was silence for a moment then everyone looked towards me. I swallowed, trying hard to hide the fact that my mouth had suddenly gone dry.

The sheriff pushed his reading glasses to the top of his head with a long, veiny, white finger and eyed me suspiciously.

There was a long pause, during which I attempted not to breathe.

Then he spoke in the authoritative tone that only a career sitting in court passing judgment on people can produce. “And who, Mr McIntosh, might Kerry Katona be?”

It had all started with the right intentions.

A client of mine, quite thin herself, had her two Collie dogs seized by a welfare organisation because they had decided the animals were underweight.

After her lawyer contacted me, I read the reports and saw that, once they had been transported halfway across the country to be examined by a vet, it was noted they were hyperactive in the consulting room and apparently as happy as Larry but the professional conclusion was that they were the worst cases of animal cruelty the practice had ever seen.

Thinking to myself that they couldn’t have seen much, I resolved to try to mitigate the situation for her.

There is good evidence to show that obesity is bad for you.

Heart problems, arthritis, respiratory conditions, diabetes, pancreatitis and skin issues can all either be caused by or worsened by excessive weight.

Indeed, research indicates that just 10 per cent weight loss can result in a 60 per cent improvement in the clinical signs of joint disease.

There is no information, however, to prove that being slightly underweight is detrimental to health.

The Animal Welfare Act, nevertheless, lays down the “five freedoms”, one of which is “freedom from hunger”. (But then try explaining that to a Labrador).

And that is the dilemma for owners.

Everywhere there is pressure to reduce weight.

Animal charities run competitions for pet slimmers.

Vets everywhere extol the virtues of slender animal companions.

And so, inevitably, some people overdo it.

Not through a lack of care or concern but just the opposite, ending up with pets are that a little too thin.

Remarkably, instead of offering advice, some welfare organisations are quick to prosecute. (Though I have yet to hear about the keepers of fat dogs being taken to task).

And so that is how I ended up in court, trying to explain that the physique of Mo Farah was healthier than that of the singer Kerry Katona.

Fat chance of the sheriff catching my drift.