Seismic studies that really rip my knitting
IT SEEMS only right that my final PISH award (Positively Inane Survey Here) is dedicated to all the ludicrous studies that I’ve featured on this page over the years.
Oh, there have been some crackers. I’m always particularly fond of the orgasmic research that comes around every couple of months claiming women prefer anything you can think of to sex.
Chocolate. Shopping. Shoes. Handbags. And my favourite? The highbrow poll that made the assertion that a fair section of the female population would shun lovemaking for… knitting.
To redress the balance, I’d just like to confirm that I intend to conduct my own investigation into these salacious rumours. Just as soon as I can track down a pal with a designer tote and some sparkly new heels, clutching a Yorkie in her freshly knitted mittens. ● SHOCK, horror, pass the celebrityendorsed smelling salts. Helen Mirren has admitted that expensive potions might not make a difference to the complexion. “I know that when I put my moisturiser on it probably does f*** all,” she said, “but it just makes me feel better.”
Famous faces being honest in their opinions of the products they punt? Make it stop! Next someone will be saying that people will no longer mistake me for Charlize Theron if I stop spraying Dior perfume, and no amount of Garnier Pearly Blonde will make me look like Holly Willoughby.
Look, consumers are not daft. We know the truth. But if I want to splash out my hard-earned cash for a bucket of delusion and optimism, then I’ll do it anyway…. because I’m worth it.