Guam bams have got us in hole lot of trouble
IT’S the end of the world as we know it. Firstly because Donald Trump and Kim Jong-un are on the verge of nuclear war. Trump made the threat from his golf club bar, known as the 19th hole. Which could soon be what we’re calling Guam.
In fairness, I like Guam. But they haven’t been the same since George Michael left.
The world bricked it when they heard Kim Jong-un being quoted as saying: “It’ll be curtains.”
That was until we realised he wasn’t predicting the apocalypse and was actually just talking to his hairdresser.
Experts say that big Donald could easily change his mind on war. Particularly when he realises that the Kim he’s threatening isn’t that lassie from the Kardashians.
The North Korean leader says he can do damage with a very small weapon. But enough about his personal life.
Seriously, if you’re wondering just how small Kim’s missile is there’s actually an easy measurement. If you put it next to Trump, it makes his hands look big.
I’m worried that Trump’s losing the plot though. Apparently every time someone says Pyongyang he’s convinced it’s the sound of someone shooting at him.
Here’s another sign the world is coming to end – they want to restart work on the Edinburgh trams.
I’m guessing at the same meeting they debated bringing back hanging or Crossroads.
The new tram link would go all the way to Newhaven. Though by the time the line is finished it’ll be called Oldhaven.
The final decision on Edinburgh’s trams will be taken in 2018. But knowing their timekeeping, it probably won’t actually happen until well after 2200.
Nobody wants to relive the nightmare of the last tram line installation. As it’s now officially the most painful Scottish track since Del Amitri sang Don’t Come Home Too Soon to the fitba team. The cooncil say they’re studying LOVE Island star Olivia Attwood has announced that her own clothing collection will launch on Monday.
The clothes will be Love Island-themed.
Very little material, lots of padding and forgotten about by October. the case so they can make sure the project is “delivered on time and on budget”. At which point the tram tracks immediately flooded as all of Scotland pished itself laughing.
On the upside the new link will create loads of jobs. Mainly for the printing firms that makes up all those “business as usual” signs.
The final sign of the apocalypse is that the Carbuncle Awards – given to the nation’s ugliest towns – are set to be scrapped. Explaining their decision, the organisers said that the awards weren’t really fair. Well, nae town ever stood a chance against Cumbernauld. lAN adult TV series of Pride and Prejudice is being made by the people behind Poldark. The new version is really steamy. Aye, rumour is some of the wummin even take off their bonnets.