We’ll be air raging if it’s a two-drink limit
SCOTLAND’S only giant turtle has finally found love with a turtle in Manchester.
The pair were shy when they first met but slowly started to come out of their shells.
The tartan turtle was previously in a relationship with a scallop and a clam – but ended things because they were being two shellfish. THE message to everyone this week is calm down.
Like all this violence on planes. Ryanair has called for airports to enforce a two drink limit on passengers. So that’ll be double absinthe for the Scottish flyers then.
They obviously don’t want a total ban on booze. Well if you’re sober, there’s no chance you’re flying with Ryanair.
I get where they’re coming from. I had my budget flight totally ruined by some drunken eejit on board. In fairness, that was the pilot.
Last year, 387 people were arrested on flights. Most were taken to jail, where they were locked up in a confined space, beside folk they don’t know while being fed rubbish grub. Pretty much like being back on the plane again.
That said, you’re all right on a Ryanair flight. They can only arrest you if you’ve paid the £20 surcharge.
We should be careful though, as the second most violent flight route is Prestwick to Alicante. The most violent is actually Alicante to Prestwick, where the entire plane is kicking off at being taken to Ayrshire.
While we’re in Turnberry’s neck of the woods, can someone give a chill pill to Donald Trump?
A man who has made racism so complicated it’s no longer a black and white issue.
Trump totally botched the tragic events in America, kicked off by protests at the removal of a statue to General Lee. An odd tribute to the car from Dukes of Hazzard.
If you want to insult a statue, don’t pull it down. Use the
If you want to insult a statue, don’t pull it down.. stick a cone on its heid
Scottish approach: stick a cone on its heid.
Big Donald then denied claims that he was a Nazi while on his golf course. A bold statement for a rightwing leader with dodgy hair, standing in a bunker.
At least we’ve found a way to calm our babies down – baby boxes were launched in Scotland this week and they’re ideal.
If you keep the box and receipt, you can take your wean back to the hospital for a full refund within 28 days. These boxes have everything a new mother will need – nappies, bib, towel, crate of wine, Valium and strong ear plugs.
Jeremy Kyle covered the story on Good Morning Britain and was confused as to why the baby boxes would contain condoms.
Presumably he knows that watching the Jeremy Kyle Show is the most effective contraception known to mankind.
Kyle was then asked the question if he had ever watched his own TV show.
To which Jezza replied: “Naw, of course not. I have a job.”
See, calm as you like.