Am I wasting my time chasing estranged dad?
Dear Coleen
I’M A 27-year-old woman and my parents separated when I was quite young. My father decided it was best he didn’t see us kids grow up but I tracked him down when I was 15 and since then we have had a terribly rocky relationship. He’s been in and out of my life over the last 12 years.
During this time he’s tried to help me out, especially when I became a single mum.
However, I feel as if he would help me in one breath and then talk about me behind my back the next. His wife is the same – she would help you out when needed but then would throw it in your face afterwards.
My dad has disappeared from my life again after an argument between me and his wife when I tried to stick up for myself after the usual “we’ve done this and that for you” lecture.
Am I wasting my time trying to have him in my life? It is always me who goes to find him – he never attempts to contact me first.
I’d really appreciate your advice.
Coleen says
OK, YOU’RE not going to like this but hear me out. I think subconsciously you could be sabotaging your relationship and trying to punish him for not being around when you were younger. Are you going to him only when you need financial or practical help? It’s almost as if you’re saying to him: “You should help me out because you weren’t there for me when I needed you.”
Of course he should have been there for you when you were a kid and I don’t know why he was absent from your lives – but you’re not a child any more and all of you have moved on.
It takes time and patience to rebuild a relationship that’s been broken like this. You’ve probably gone into it with expectations that were too high, hoping to pick up where you left off, and that’s not realistic.
In those years when you didn’t see each other, you probably put your dad on a pedestal and had a very idealistic notion of what it would be like when you saw each other again. Now you’re realising he’s a normal person with flaws – big ones – and it’s complicated.
If the relationship is under stress, then maybe you need to take a step back and think, “OK, if we see each other, then great, but I’m going to get on with my own life”.
I think it’s good that he’s stepped up and helped you out but you have to accept he has another family, and that you have to almost start from scratch, building a friendship first, rather than attempting to have the father-daughter relationship you missed out on.