Bono’s taxman still hasn’t found what he’s looking for
WEATHER experts are warning of a big freeze across the country which will bring icy winds, freezing fog and snow. Or as it’s also known in Scotland – summer. SO THE Paradise Papers have been released. This is when you divert money offshore by buying a yacht in Bermuda, or a garden shed in Millport.
There are 13.4million documents in total. All the information was actually available four years ago but they’ve only just finished printing.
Bono has been implicated in it all. The taxman has been going over his returns with a fine tooth comb – but he still hasn’t found what he’s looking for.
Aye, apparently the U2 frontman invested in a legit-sounding Lithuanian shopping centre. The authorities tried to chase him up there but that’s the problem with Lithuania – the streets have no name.
Even Mrs Brown’s Boys has become caught up in this fecking mess. Three stars of the show have been named in the papers. A great review for the show as it’s surely the first time Mrs Brown’s ever had three stars in any publication.
The BBC have denied any wrongdoing and will be pressing ahead with a Christmas special of the popular comedy, called Mrs Brown Envelope.
It’s not just the Paradise Papers that have been released. That’s another MP left Theresa May’s cabinet. Making it officially the shakiest cabinet since that Ikea flat-pack dresser that came without the Allen key.
Thousands of folk watched Priti Patel’s flight back to the UK. Seemed a bit daft. Normally, if you want to sit round for hours waiting on a flight, just book with Ryanair.
When she arrived, Patel was asked if she had anything to declare. At which point she brought up some hand luggage, two suitcases and a series of meetings with the Israeli prime minister.
Then there’s Donald Trump, who has been released from the White House and unleashed on the people of Asia.
He’s spent a lot of time greeting locals, in that they see him and immediately start to greet.
Trump was met by thousands of Chinese children excited by his visit. They’re hoping he’ll put in another bumper order for those “Make THE first official photograph of Jodie Whittaker as Doctor Who has been released. Show obsessives have spotted an unusual design in the picture. But they have since been told that it’s what the rest of us call “a woman”. America Great Again” hats they made for him.
Trump also addressed North Korea by urging Japan to unleash its most deadly weapon on it – Godzilla. He then went on to describe North Korea as a “hell that no one deserves”. Which coincidentally is Melania’s pet name for the president.
Staying on that theme, a sheep has been trained by a university to identify Barack Obama. The students had initially tried to train it to seek out Trump but gave up when they found it sniffing round a big fat pumpkin. Two rail workers jumped from a runaway train when its brakes failed and hit a tree near Markinch station. They escaped with minor injuries and insist it was still the best journey they’ve had on Scotrail in years.