What a curry-on

“I THINK we’re all stinking. We’re all stinking!” shrieked Jennie McAlpine.

We don’t yet have smell-ovision but I’m sure we can imagine.

Humid conditions. Cramped into a small space. Only 10 of them. Tempers fraying … sounds a like a recipe for a Labour Party group meeting.

Last night, Amir Khan was trapped in a water tower – forced to free himself with skill, pace and a spanner.

Eels splashed about. Ant and Dec chimed “Ding ding”. I blinked and thought I saw Presiding Officer Ken Macintosh. Alas, the Rocky music cut in.

It wasn’t FMQs, although that ding ding might be a nice interlude between party leaders.

A baby crocodile splashed about beside him. Snap, snap – like the bell in Holyrood at decision time.

Finally, Amir was free. Task complete. He was glad. Meal tickets for five and an extra for Stanley. Nice team work. That’s how you win elections, kids.

Rice and beans would not be Kez’s ideal meal.

She likes curry, crisps and milky bar buttons.

Before she went, we tried a diet. It involved no wheat, no alcohol, no sugar, no carbs after 6pm and no dairy.

Suffice to say, it did not last long.

ITV told Kez to wean herself off the coffee before she left. It was not to be.

The “coffee demons” – as she calls them – will soon be visiting the jungle. Good luck, campmates. Stanley and Toff went shopping. Jennie picked up the red phone box.

“What percentage of British people think that they are punching above their weight?”

Kez, if you are reading this retrospectively, this is where you mimic Ant & Dec in the “Ding, ding” category.

So, where is Kez? Honest answer is I don’t know.

She is incommunicado. But I’m pretty hopeful we’ll all see her soon. #TeamKez