Comic was king of the one-liners

● Did you hear about the shrimp that went to the prawn’s cocktail party? He pulled a mussel. ● I haven’t spoken to my motherin-law for 18 months. I don’t like to interrupt her. ● Do I believe in safe sex? Of course I do. I have a handrail around the bed. ● I did 25 minutes running on the spot this morning – I had my braces caught in the banister. ● It’s 10 years since I went out of my mind. I’d never go back. ● Did any of us in our wildest dreams ever think we’d live long enough to see the end of the DFS sale? ● I’m a sex symbol – I am a sex symbol for women who don’t care. ● I do all the exercises every morning in front of the television – up, down, up, down, up, down. Then the other eyelid. ● The French didn’t object to British beef in 1940. ● My dad knew I was going to be a comedian. When I was a baby, he said:“Is this a joke?” ● I used to think I was marvellous in bed until I discovered that all my girlfriends suffered from asthma. ● The man who invented cats’ eyes got the idea when he saw the eyes of a cat in his headlights. If the cat had been going the other way, he would have invented the pencil sharpener. ● I just read a book about Stockholm syndrome – it started off badly but by the end I really liked it. ● I have kleptomania – when it gets bad I take something for it. ● How many men does it take to change a toilet roll? Nobody knows, it’s never been done before. ● I love my girlfriend, my girlfriend loves me. She loves my hair, she loves my eyes, she loves my teeth. She loves my teeth because I’m the only person that can peel an orange through a tennis racket.