Daily Record

It’s total pandamoniu­m at Crufts

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EXPERTS say Chinese meals should come with health warnings.

Takeaway owners disagree and say they should come with fried rice, prawn crackers or a portion of chips. It’s all down to their high level of salt. Other foods that could be hit with the same warning include every meal ever made in Scotland.

Staying with China, the man in charge of the Edinburgh Zoo panda programme quit after five years of failed attempts to impregnate Tian Tian.

In all honesty, he probably shouldn’t have been sleeping with a panda. It’s official then, Tian Tian and Yang Guang will not attempt to breed this year. To ensure that’s the case, they’ll be married this month.

The zoo want to make some enhancemen­ts to the enclosure.

These are said to include soft lighting, a water bed and a set of Barry White albums.

Truth is, the obvious answer is staring you right in the face.

Tian Tian is a teenager. If you really want to get her pregnant, just move her to Dundee. At least our dogs are a success. “Two-year-old whippet Tease” won Crufts – and the competitio­n to find the next 50 Shades of Grey title.

The owner of the Edinburgh dug blasted protesters who tried to ruin the big moment.

But after a few treats and a tickle of the belly, the owner was said to be a lot happier. ● Good news – the more intelligen­t you are, the longer you live. Even better news – ITV have just cancelled the planned TOWIE reunion show for the year 2050.

 ??  ?? BREED APART Tian Tian at Edinburgh Zoo
BREED APART Tian Tian at Edinburgh Zoo

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