How ‘favourite child’ can carry a heavy burden
THE Kardashian sisters’ mum Kris Jenner recently said Khloe was her “favourite daughter” ahead of Kim, Kourtney, Kendall and Kylie.
Lots of people reacted with shock but nearly a quarter of mums, and even more grandparents, admit they have a favourite child, according to a survey by Mumsnet and Gransnet.
Even if they don’t claim to have a preferred son or daughter, one in five mums say their kids think they do.
For some, the preference is gender-related – 23 per cent with a favourite say the child is their only son – or linked to birth order, with 56 per cent with a favourite saying it’s their youngest.
If you do have a favourite but think you’ve hidden it well, don’t be so sure.
Of Mumsnet users who confessed they have a favourite, 13 per cent said their other children definitely or probably know about it.
The research also found that about half of those who admit to having favourites say they think such feelings are “awful” and most believe it is damaging for the other siblings.
Mumsnet founder Justine Roberts said: “Favouritism is one of the last taboos and can provoke a lot of guilt so it’s important to say that feeling a greater affinity for a particular child is fairly common and doesn’t have to be disastrous.”
Displaying favouritism, however, can hurt everybody.
There can be profound long-term psychological effects of feeling like the less-loved child and it’s not even necessarily a blessing to be the favourite child either, as having it easy may leave you unprepared for real life and possibly even desperate to distance yourself from a clingy parent.
So, how can parents help ensure favouritism doesn’t negatively affect their kids?
Mumsnet offers eight tips: 1. Don’t tell the children. Ever. 2. Admit it to yourself and analyse why you feel that way. Research found parents are won over by children being “easy”, with 61 per cent saying their favourite’s siblings are more tricky or demanding. Grandparents are less likely to prize this quality – possibly because they spend less time with them. Instead, a third of grandparents with a favourite said that grandchild reminds them of their own son or daughter at a similar age. 3. Find ways of parenting different children equitably. 4. Find ways of spending quality time with the child you find more difficult. It’s easy to get stuck into a cycle of negativity with a child who is especially challenging. 5. Physical affection is important. Most parents with a favourite say the child is extremely loving and affectionate. Less-favoured children may not be as touchy-feely, but that shouldn’t stop mums and dads still trying to demonstrate their love. 6. Wait and see what happens. Some relationships flower later than others. 7. Don’t make such a massive effort to treat your least-favoured child fairly that their siblings think the child you find more difficult is actually your favourite. 8. If you’re struggling with your feelings and think they may be a result of your own experiences growing up, think about counselling. WHEN Sophie Cameron was growing up in a small Highland village, teachers were forbidden by the notorious Section 28 from portraying homosexuality as normal.
Now 30 and living in Barcelona with her wife, Sophie looks back in disgust at the legislation which, until 2000, banned the “promotion” of homosexuality in schools as a “normal family relationship”.
She was raised in Avoch, a harbour village on the south-east coast of the Black Isle and had a happy childhood.
She said: “It was a beautiful place and I had a nice upbringing there but it was quite isolated. As a teenager, it felt far from everything.
“I didn’t know any openly gay people and, because Section 28 was still in place, when a teacher mentioned homosexuality, they would stop and say they weren’t really allowed to talk about it.
“There was a lot of homophobic bullying and, ‘You’re a poof ’ was a go-to insult, especially with boys.”
As a teenager turning to young adult fiction for entertainment, she found gay characters invariably were painted as victimised outsiders who met a tragic end.
She said: “There were some very miserable books which didn’t really give you the best impression of what the future held if you were gay or lesbian.”
So, Sophie decided to write the book she would have liked to have read as a youngster.
Her debut young adult novel, Out of the Blue, is launched this week and although it features grief and loss, it is a positive tale. Her family were very supportive when she came out, in her 20s, and she hopes the book will help youngsters see there can be joy ahead.
She said: “Things have changed, although being gay is still too much of a taboo.
“I think it is important to young people that when being gay or bisexual is being discussed, it is not seen as some kind of sad tragedy.
“But there is still a way to go. Even people who see themselves as openminded might have a problem with a same sex couple being in a Disney film, for instance. They might think that is pushing an agenda on children which they won’t understand. There is still some reluctance there.”
But barriers are being broken down and next month sees the UK release of ground-breaking teen film Love Simon, the first major studio-backed romantic comedy with a gay teen protagonist.
The film focuses on a teenage boy
Feeling a greater affinity for a particular child is fairly common