Stormy weather has Don Russian for cover

A WAITER fired for being “aggressive, rude and disrespectful” has insisted he did nothing wrong. He was just being French.

The waiter has since been poisoned by the restaurant owner who offered his own defence. He was just being Russian.

Aye, the Skripal poisoning story still rages on. It now seems the suspect delivered the nerve agent directly and efficiently to the front door. Meaning police can now eliminate from their inquiry every driver who’s ever worked for Parcelforce.

Russia’s foreign ministry are said to be drawing up a number of measures in response to the sanctions. Top of the list is taking a slash in every fifth bottle of Smirnoff.

The UK flitted out a total of 23 spies, leading to speculation that in the next James Bond film, 007 will be swapping his Aston Martin for a removals van.

It’s the Cold War all over again. The Russians have accused Washington of using blackmail of other countries as their biggest tool. Which is nonsense. As we all know America’s biggest tool is its president.

Talking of which, Stormy Daniels was interviewed on the US TV show 60 minutes about her romp with Donald Trump. Over the hour she gave a blow by blow account of their full sexual encounter. The other 57 minutes were just adverts.

Stormy said she was threatened by a menacing stranger in a car park. Obviously the first time she’s tried to park her motor near a Scottish fitba ground.

Trump’s lawyers said Daniels needed to immediately “retract and apologise”. Which coincidentally is exactly what she asked Donald Trump to do that night they met.

Daniels says she was forcefully told to leave Trump alone. Which is the opposite of what happens to Melania now who is constantly told to “give him a kiss … remember to smile … and at least hold his wee hand”.

The president’s spokesman says the JUSTIN Bieber, right, is to record an album full of religious-inspired songs. For many this is nothing new.

As when most folk hear a Bieber song, their first words are usually, “Oh God, please no…” allegations could cause harm and damage. He’s right. The mental picture created will both harm and damage all of us now. Trump doesn’t believe any of Stormy Daniels’s claims were accurate. Fair dos. This is the guy that doesn’t believe in global warming, the existence of France or that, in Scotland, a single sausage can actually mean two sausages.

Trump could take a lesson in stamina from Sir Ken Dodd. Doddy was laid to rest this week. His funeral took place at 2pm on Wednesday. And has been going for three days without an interval. ● Megabus ads promising £1 fares have been banned after the company admitted as little as one seat had been available at that price.

Even passengers who managed to book the £1 seat were disappointed. When they found out they were driving the bus.