Come on Arlene, oh I swear you’re so mean..
IF THE Tories hadn’t shut the mines, Fifers could hide down there when DUP leader Arlene Foster visits.
Foster is to lead the Orange parade in the former mining town of Cowdenbeath, where coal never produced anything as noxious.
She will make a speech at the parade on inclusion and combating sectarianism, as the flute band plays, believe it if you like.
Since the devolved Northern Irish assembly collapsed in January last year, the Devil has found work for Foster’s idle hands.
As the DUP and Sinn Fein decided to leave the country’s education, health and social care to the frazzled civil service, Foster has been busy drawing “red lines” to impede Theresa May’s Brexit negotiations.
Like a demented hamster, she gnaws into May’s brain, fun to watch, but none too helpful.
Bored with meddling in the south she is heading to Scotland for a sectarian day out.
With three weeks to go, if we hurry, there’s just enough time for Scotland to rustle up a hard border.
The Orange parade on June 30 is one of the biggest in Scotland and involves lodges from Fife, Edinburgh, the Lothians and elsewhere in the central belt.
It is celebrated as a bonanza pay day by makers of bowler hats but considered an archaic, supremacist display of religious hatred by others.
When Italian tourists asked me to explain an Orange march in Glasgow, I was so embarrassed, I said it was a Scottish festival to welcome in the summer.
The Orange order march near my flat and the tuneless drumming makes me want to shove a flute right through one ear and out the other.
It would be less distasteful if more devout Orangemen were marching to church instead of the nearest pub and a brawl.
A DUP spokesman said Foster would use the Cowdenbeath event to say that the UK needed to build a “shared society” where “people feel at home and where they feel comfortable living and working regardless of their background”.
He should have added: “As long as they are not gay or Catholic or pro-choice.”
The DUP have stalled all progress on equal marriage in Northern Ireland and they previously supported the introduction of a “conscience clause” to protect any bigots who discriminate against LGBT people.
This confused the DUP and Sinn Fein, who both had to Google “conscience”.
Currently, Foster is fighting against moves to decriminalise abortion in Northern Ireland, her pro-life enthusiasm only surpassed by the equally fundamentalist Catholic stance.
Women in Northern Ireland are controlled by the 150 year-old, Offences Against the Person Act, which also covers child-stealing and blowing someone up with gun powder.
A rape victim who had an abortion could face a lengthier sentence than her attacker.
As an athiest, I do wish the religious zealouts would keep their Victorian values out of women’s ovaries.
When Foster visits, a number of Pride events will be held across Scotland to celebrate the LGBTI community.
Organisers hope Arlene will attend, wearing a sandwich board, with “same sex marriage is a sin” emblazoned in glitter.
The DUP leader went all Ian Paisley and condemned as “distasteful”, the “dancing in the street” after Southern Ireland’s abortion referendum victory.
If Foster thought those pro-choicers could dance, she has not seen a topless man wearing devil ears giving it large at Pride.
Those sinners sure know to rock a rainbow sash.