RED SQUARE EYES
“THIS game will go to my grave with me. Complete pain”.
Gary Neville there, reminiscing about England v Iceland. Get over it, mate.
I had to spend my day transcribing Mark Lawrenson’s punditry.
Hate-watchers had exhausted themselves with Lawrenson’s nonsense in the day’s first game but got a second wind when Glenn Hoddle appeared for Argentina v Iceland.
Cameras caught Diego Maradona repeatedly sniffing and wiping his nose, presumably due to the high pollen count in Moscow.
After Lionel Messi’s spot kick miss, Sam Matterface proclaimed: “We’ve seen the hand of God in the stands. We might just have seen the hand of cod.”
“That’s a very good line,” lied host Mark Pougatch.
Describing Argentina sub Cristian Pavon, Matterface said “He’s only 5ft 5in tall, which is the same height as Kirsten Dunst or Mel from Mel and Sue”.
A surreal moment which saw Twitter hand him The Great British F*** Off.
“Nobby decided to get his trumpet out,” recalled Jermaine Jenas after being asked about playing alongside Peru No.2 Nolberto Solano.
Despite a nation yelling “DON’T DO IT, GARY!” the BBC host responded “Didn’t blow it did you?”. A full four hours and 11 minutes before the watershed.
Rio Ferdinand informed us that “Peru have two clean sheets in 18 games, so the Norwegians will have looked at that”. Hopefully they told Denmark.
Ferdinand was overheard ordering “a frappuccino and one of them Norwegian pastries” later on. As clips of Peru’s previous World Cup exploits reached 1978, the magic words fans across Britain were praying for finally arrived onscreen; “Voice of Derek Johnstone”.
Luka Modric at the World Cup was a real step down for Ally McCoist from covering Andy Halliday at New Douglas Park.
“The enthusiasm’s been drained out of Nigeria’s fans with the lifeless performance of their side” said the man who steered his Rangers team to a 1-1 draw at home to Elgin City.
Say what you like about McCoist (and plenty did), he sounded genuinely pleased to be there and the perfect palate cleanser to Mark ‘sigh’ Lawrenson.
“She knows more than us. I’m impressed,” said Patronising Evra (81 caps) after a Costa Rica preview from Eni Aluko (102 caps).
On to Germany v Mexico. “We’ll see an entertaining game,” said Phil Neville who is to entertainment what Jamie Oliver is to Domino’s.
With eight minutes left for the world champions to avoid a historic defeat, it was end to end stuff.
Naturally, Jonathan Pearce said, “Sorry Phil, I forgot to ask your thoughts on Gareth”. Sorry Jonathan, I forgot to care.
Lineker claimed the last time Germany conceded first at a World Cup they won the tournament in 1998. Who can forget that glorious Deutschland double from Zidane?
At half-time in Brazil v Switzerland, Pougatch explained the background noise was singing from the fanzone. It WAS loud but not Ian Wright’s shirt loud.
Pougatch questioned Slaven Bilic’s neutral stance on Switzerland’s equaliser, he threw his hands up and responded: “To be fair, I don’t care. At least he admits it, Lawrenson.