Shearermakesit Messiwithword totheunwise

AS Argentina went up against Croatia the “Who’s the GOAT?” debate reared its head once again.

For my money it’s Gary Lineker but Mark Pougatch has made a strong start to the tournament.

On the field it was another underwhelming performance from the man who once took 91 minutes to score against a defence featuring Efe Ambrose and Kelvin Wilson.

“Argentina boast one of the greatest players in the history of football,” claimed Lineker.

Bizarrely, viewers were then confronted with a Messi discussion while still thinking about Fabian Caballero.

Reviewing footage of Argentina’s last match, Alan Shearer told viewers: “If that pass has founded him they’re dead and buried there.”

I thought I might have mishearded him but upon rewindeding, my findedings were the same.

“Sometimes you get lucky with a cross,” said commentator Steve Wilson.

“If that’s true,” thought viewers, “I wonder what happens the rest of the time.” Thankfully Mark Lawrenson was on hand to confirm “sometimes you don’t”. He’s right you know.

I suggested on Twitter Lawrenson would reply in a similar manner to Candi Staton singing “sometimes I feel like throwing my hands up in the air” and received dozens of outstanding responses. According to @mailroomtim Lawrenson would dismiss Bon Jovi’s “woah, we’re halfway there” with “pathetic effort”.

And @fballhaterrugby suggested Lawrenson would respond to Morrissey’s “I would go out tonight but I haven’t got a stitch to wear” admission by asking, “Whose fault’s that then?”.

Even Morrissey would probably tell Lawrenson to lighten up – before recording a disappointing solo album about veganism with guest vocals from Ann Coulter.

As Paulo Dybala joined the Argentine attack, Lawrenson pointed out: “They’re basically all on apart from Aguero.” So… they’re not all on then?

“You can’t play without the ball,” he helpfully informed us later. “That is… that is PAINFUL,” sighed Lawrenson during the first half. You said it mate.

After Pablo Zabaleta was cruelly forced to analyse proceedings, the night ended with another Caballero.

Argentina’s calamitous keeper suffered the indignity of a role in Lineker’s traditional sign-off gag with our host opting for “Caballero gets the Willies”.

Advantage Pougatch.