Back of the net! Sam’spatterhas hit new heights
“TONIGHT Matthew, I’m going to be Alan Partridge.” Not my words Carol, the words of ITV’s Sam Matterface.
The commentator was back at it as Sweden faced Germany, informing viewers Swedish keeper Robin Olsen is 6ft 6in and adding: “He’s the same height as Kobe Bryant and just a tiny bit taller than the former Stars In Your Eyes and You Bet host Matthew Kelly.”
A bemused Lee Dixon asked: “Really?” – which could have meant: “Really? I didn’t know that” but probably meant, “Really? This again?”
Matterface himself is 5ft 9in, the same height as Samantha from Sex and the City and one inch shorter than Partridge.
Unlike Partridge, however, Matterface possesses a degree of self-awareness that makes his surreal patter strangely endearing.
In an interview with Gareth Southgate, Gabby Logan asked: “Do you think the players need to be more vocal?”, then said: “It’s not in the English DNA to round on referees.”
No doubt met by nods of approval from referees who’ve encountered John Terry, Rio Ferdinand, Gary Neville … (cont on pages 22-52).
“How was England’s performance against Tunisia viewed on the world stage?” asked Gary Lineker, introducing a montage that surprisingly didn’t just feature a bunch of shoulder shrugs with subtitles.
There were rumours of a weakened English line-up for the Panama match but ultimately the BBC decided against calling up Phil Neville.
“Stop being ridiculously sensible,” said Lineker after Alan Shearer insisted players should be allowed to leave the pitch to have head knocks checked by independent medics.
An unfazed Shearer responded by pointing out he had in fact presented a documentary on the subject Gary.
Scottish observers appreciated Panama selflessly taking one for the team in order to convince England they’ll win the tournament. Cheers lads.
Just as we thought we’d escape without a reference to 2016’s data leak scandal, Guy Mowbray chose the 94th minute to remark: “Panama in that first half well and truly served their papers.” So close.
Still, you can’t begrudge England a crumb of consolation after losing to Scotland at cricket.