Mick is Scotland fans’ pick after ending England’s dream
WELL, football finally came home. Only to find out everyone had moved house and changed the locks.
Ultimately, England couldn’t get past a disappointing semi.
Somebody should have told them Boots have started selling Viagra.
My comedy pal Rob Beckett was one of many who’d already bought a ticket to the final, shelling out £1500.
And being FIFA, he had to pay for that in cash inside a brown envelope.
Mick Jagger’s been labelled a curse by England fans, because whenever he turns up for a big match, they always lose.
Scotland fans are now lobbying for him to get a place in the first team. That would be Satisfaction.
It rivals another musical hard-luck story – that of Mariah Carey’s August bank holiday gig in Blackpool getting cancelled. It’s down to the ill health of key personnel.
Apparently the wummin who has to wipe Mariah’s bum for her has sprained her wrist. But it could be worse. Take That star Howard Donald is to rebuild classic cars in a new Channel 4 series. After which he’ll take them round to Jason Orange to get him to wash them. Back to the fitba, though. German supermarkets Aldi and Lidl offered to close stores early tomorrow if England had made the World Cup final. Who says the Germans don’t have a sense of humour?
The man with the world’s longest fingernails had them cut off in New York after 66 years of growing them to a length of more than 358 inches.
He’s in the Guinness Book of Records. And now finally able to turn the pages of it so he can see where he is.