Dear Coleen

SHE WON’T HUG OR HOLD HANDS

I’M IN my fifties and I grew up in a very cuddly, loving household where we all showed affection to each other and still do.

Whenever I speak to my parents, I end the call with a “love you” and when I see them – or friends – I greet them with a hug.

My wife grew up in a very cold and unloving house and finds it almost impossible to show warmth and affection.

I know she loves me but she never kisses me or holds my hand or hugs me. If I try to hug her in front of others she will almost recoil and she often bats my hand away if I try to hold hers.

When our daughters were growing up and life was busy, I didn’t mind as much. But now they’re older and my wife and I spend more time together, I’ve noticed it more. I also think the older she gets the colder she’s becoming. I’ve tried mentioning it to her and she jokingly calls me a “silly old fool” but I’d love us to be more tactile. What can I do? her feel uncomfortable. She clearly loves you but she can’t show it in that way.

I know how you feel, as hugs are important to me too. My ex always found affection difficult, when all I wanted was a hug or to hold hands.

Like you say, for the first few years when life is busy, you think you’re OK with it. But gradually, as the years go on, you just miss it and it becomes so important.

I can’t ever remember my parents saying they loved us, and we never grew up saying it to each other. But since we lost our parents my siblings and I have realised how important it is and we say it all the time.

Even now I hug my grown-up children all the time and tell them I love them.

You need to tell your wife how important this issue is to you.