DES CLARKE

Daily Record - - NEWS -

‘Brex­i­teer Ja­cob ReesMogg has a plan to solve the Ir­ish border is­sue. His but­ler will guard it’

POP su­per­star Cher has an­nounced a new tour ti­tled Here We Go Again.

Here We Go Again is, of course, a ref­er­ence to her up­com­ing ABBA cover al­bum, Danc­ing Queen.

And, coin­ci­den­tally, the same thing Cher’s plas­tic sur­geon says ev­ery six months.

Stick­ing with mu­sic roy­alty, Sir El­ton John has re­port­edly been paid £5mil­lion to ap­pear in this year’s John Lewis Christ­mas ad­vert.

Now the bad news. They want him to ei­ther dress as a dog and bounce on a tram­po­line or pre­tend to be a mon­ster un­der a wean’s bed.

Mean­while, Sir Paul McCart­ney has fi­nally ditched the hair dye and shown off a more nat­u­ral look.

His hair has only ever been white once be­fore – when the lawyers told him he’d have to pay Heather Mills 25mil­lion quid in the di­vorce.

On an­other mu­si­cal note, Bradley Cooper has paid trib­ute to the “mag­i­cal” Glas­ton­bury fes­ti­val, where his up­com­ing film A Star is Born was shot. I’m not sure what he thought was the most mag­i­cal part. Pre­sum­ably the mush­rooms.

Bradley said it felt great be­ing part of a spe­cial move­ment.

A line he ut­tered mo­ments af­ter leav­ing a fes­ti­val toi­let.

That film has al­ready been tipped for an Os­car.

If he wants any point­ers on the ac­cep­tance speech, he should have a chat with Danny Dyer.

The bold yin launched a tirade against for­mer PM David Cameron af­ter win­ning at the TV Choice Awards.

No one’s ever hated a Tory prime min­is­ter so much.

Apart from most of the cur­rent Tory party. De­spite this, a “save Theresa May” op­er­a­tion has been launched by Euro­pean lead­ers amid fears that Boris John­son is af­ter her job.

It’s tough for Theresa. She wants to be a woman with to­tal power over Boris and have the abil­ity to ruin his life.

But that role is cur­rently held by his es­tranged wife.

Fear not. Ja­cob Rees-Mogg has un­veiled the Brex­i­teers’ plan to solve the po­ten­tial Ir­ish border cri­sis when we leave the EU. Ap­par­ently, Mogg’s but­ler will guard it and only let peo­ple through if they’ve got an in­vite.

This comes with the news that Mark Car­ney will re­main Bank of Eng­land gover­nor un­til Brexit has prop­erly gone through. He’s ex­pected to stay in the job for an­other 400 years.

Which gets us nicely back to Cher, whose real age prob­a­bly isn’t far off that.

And the Mamma Mia link gives me an ex­cuse to quote a gag from my old pal Tim Vine.

I re­cently met a guy with a didgeri­doo and he was play­ing Danc­ing Queen on it. I thought: “That’s ABBA-rig­i­nal.”

● A RE­PORT has found that UK Gov­ern­ment min­is­ters do not know the im­pact that fund­ing cuts have had on po­lice forces.

Although hav­ing just seen what hap­pened to the Home Sec­re­tary in BBC1’s Body­guard, they might start pay­ing at­ten­tion.

OVER­WHELMED Win­ner Ryan, who was falsely ac­cused by fel­low house­mate Rox­anne Pal­lett of as­sault­ing her

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